When Suicidal Thoughts Are A Normal Part Of Your Life

I would love to know what it’s like to not have suicidal thoughts for any extended period of time, but I don’t. My mind doesn’t handle things well and a bad day quickly spirals. It’s not necessarily that I all out want to die most days, it’s just that my mind decides that that’s the […]

I Had Everything I Wanted – And I Still Wanted To Die

Originally posted on Let's Queer Things Up!:
I’ve spent an hour, give or take, furiously pacing the floor of my apartment. They call this “psychomotor agitation,” though I don’t know it yet. I feel like I can’t stand to be in my skin another second, like I’m completely wired and simultaneously the most depressed…

Dysphoria and pregnancy

April Fools. A day to joke about being pregnant, amongst many other things. That’s when I started going downhill. See, I’m completely unable to bear a child. I’m able to have children, but I can’t carry them, because, well, I’m a trans woman. So, I don’t exactly have the right parts. If this is news, […]

Never will I ever…

I’ve been working since last night not to cry. I’ve been working since last night to look okay. My dysphoria is overwhelming. I’m not supposed to have these fucking parts. I’m not supposed to be barren. I should have been able to carry my children. I should have been able to be pregnant. I hate […]

Things get worse before they get better

This was six months after I escaped from V. It was one hell of a roller coaster. By month three, I momentarily felt okay. Things got so, so much worse and went way downhill from there, and I wouldn’t see any getting better until nearly a year after escaping. Things just keep getting worse. Three […]

But I know that’s how I felt! Moods affecting memory

I’ve never had a good memory, so it’s hard enough to remember things in general, much less correctly, but there is an underlying factor that makes it impossible to truly remember things. My bipolar phase and my anxiety colors all of my memories. If I’ve been depressed, I’ve obviously always been depressed, I mean, I […]

Sometimes, I really miss my abuser

After I got out of my abusive relationship in 2011, I was on a rape survivors forum pretty constantly for about a year. They helped so much. I’ve been going through my posts on there, and that’s when I “found” this. It’s not actually easy to let go of your abuser. There are times when […]