Sitting Next To You

Sitting Next To You
By: Ivy Willow

I sit next to you
A whole galaxy of understanding just inches away
I look bored you say
Let’s watch Supernatural you say
You don’t wait for an answer
That’s fine, because you would be waiting too long
It’s been hours since I could form any meaningful words
My mouth has been clamped shut
The screams for help born in my brain are so loud
I wonder
Will you be able to hear them this time?
You look over at me
You think I’m bored
You think I’m tired
You don’t see under the lies that this body of mine tells in so many muted words

We watch Supernatural together
Oh how I wish I could tell you what’s in my head
But I’m stuck
I’m stuck
I’m stuck
I’m stuck
I’m stuck
On repeat
Like a broken record
But at least the record can still sound off the same repetitive notes
I can’t even get the speaker known as my mouth to play even the most basic tune from my head

You pause the show and ask me if I want a drink
“Yeah.” I manage to say.
You ask me if I would like soda or water
“mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” there it is again, that hum that’s become all too familiar
I smack the back of my head and then hold it
You ask me if I want soda
“Yeah.” The word escapes my lips, pre-recorded and on auto pilot
Really, I wanted water, but I can’t figure out how to speak

You sit back down, soda in hand, a moment of silent
“Mmmmmm” I fidget, press my hand to my ears
“Are you okay?” you ask me, distracted
“Mmmmmm” the humming comes again. You wait, patiently.
“Tired” I finally blurt out, the only word I can find
But it’s not right
“Go to bed then silly” you say, rustling my hair, you say you love me
Please, please, I’m begging you not to touch me right now
I can’t tell you that
You hug me

You unpause the show
The silence from my mouth to the air around me is deafening
“I’m here!” I scream, beating on the edges of the cage known as my mind
“I’m here, and I’m hurt.” You look over at me, tired and bored, clueless to the storm inside
“I’m here, and I have so much to tell you.” I look at you, hoping my eyes are pleading
“You look so tired honey, why don’t you get some sleep after this?”

I sit next to you
A whole galaxy of understanding just inches away

Thank you for reading and have a beautiful day sunshines


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