life

When Suicidal Thoughts Are A Normal Part Of Your Life

I would love to know what it’s like to not have suicidal thoughts for any extended period of time, but I don’t.

My mind doesn’t handle things well and a bad day quickly spirals. It’s not necessarily that I all out want to die most days, it’s just that my mind decides that that’s the best possible decision considering the circumstances.

I have to fight myself most of the time and it can happen super quick.

A couple of days ago, I dropped the kids off, went home, had to go back to the twins school, and when I left, I transferred money from my savings to my checking with the full intent to go to walmart, buy a gun and finish shit off. I was FINE up until just a few minutes before that, then, all I could think about was how badly I needed to end everything and how horribly overwhelming it all was.

I don’t know where this comes from or why it happens, but it’s incredibly frequent. Frequent enough that a gun is not allowed in the house and if I go somewhere I am not allowed to even know where the guns are stored, much less how to access them.

It doesn’t take much, if I really want to be honest. Something’s sets my head wrong, I don’t even have to know what it is, and *poof* There I am, plotting suicide, or at least obsessing over it hardcore.

I really wish I knew what was going on because I would much rather enjoy life as much as possible, but until then, I have to continue to fight it out with myself almost every day on why suicide isn’t the choice I should make. It gets so tiring, and I often fear there will be a day when I don’t win that fight.

Thank you for reading sunshines. Have a beautiful day.

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9 thoughts on “When Suicidal Thoughts Are A Normal Part Of Your Life

  1. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to live without suicidal thoughts. In a way, I’m glad I have them.

    I mean, life isn’t precious to me. I never gained anything by being born and no one promises me it’ll be overall worth it. Suicidal thoughts give me strength. I know there’s nothing the world can throw at me that can stop me from killing myself when I feel like it. No matter how bad things get, I have a way out.

    People can call it a mental illness, but I just call them rapists. It’s my body you morons.

    Like

    1. lol!
      Do not worry about comforting words, I don’t tend to find platitudes and the like worth their weight in sewage most of the time.
      I find the most comforting things in the world to hear are “I hear you.” and the likes. Thank you very kindly.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. WOW. I don’t know what to say. Please never actually do it. I am so pleased that it is real hard to get a gun (legally anyway) in the UK. Most other ways of killing oneself do at least leave a chance that the medics will intervene.

    With each post you thank us for reading and wish us a beautiful day. Thank you for writing, please continue and yes, have a beautiful day Sunshine.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so kindly Antonia. Unfortunately, I’m in the US and in a state where it’s REALLY, REALLY EASY to get a gun, as in – have the cash in hand, inquire about buying a gun, wait for a quick background check, carry gun out of store… So, that’s really not a good thing for me. Thus far I’ve won the battle.
      Thank you so, so much for your comment love, truly.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not really sure how or where to buy a gun where I live, or how easy it. I think I will leave things that way. Suicidal thoughts are a pretty normal part of my life, too. My brain just goes down that path so easily. It was weird to me that I was actually doing well enough to not think about suicide for maybe two straight months, recently. I don’t usually go from 0 to 10 so quick, though. It takes some time to build up.

        Liked by 1 person

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