I would love to know what it’s like to not have suicidal thoughts for any extended period of time, but I don’t.
My mind doesn’t handle things well and a bad day quickly spirals. It’s not necessarily that I all out want to die most days, it’s just that my mind decides that that’s the best possible decision considering the circumstances.
I have to fight myself most of the time and it can happen super quick.
A couple of days ago, I dropped the kids off, went home, had to go back to the twins school, and when I left, I transferred money from my savings to my checking with the full intent to go to walmart, buy a gun and finish shit off. I was FINE up until just a few minutes before that, then, all I could think about was how badly I needed to end everything and how horribly overwhelming it all was.
I don’t know where this comes from or why it happens, but it’s incredibly frequent. Frequent enough that a gun is not allowed in the house and if I go somewhere I am not allowed to even know where the guns are stored, much less how to access them.
It doesn’t take much, if I really want to be honest. Something’s sets my head wrong, I don’t even have to know what it is, and *poof* There I am, plotting suicide, or at least obsessing over it hardcore.
I really wish I knew what was going on because I would much rather enjoy life as much as possible, but until then, I have to continue to fight it out with myself almost every day on why suicide isn’t the choice I should make. It gets so tiring, and I often fear there will be a day when I don’t win that fight.
Thank you for reading sunshines. Have a beautiful day.