life

Remember when

Remember when you used to tell me “we will get through this together. It will be tough. We can do it. I’m here for you.”

Remember how you said you wanted to try a poly relationship. We talked and talked about it. I started getting wary. Our conversations changed quickly from “it’s okay. We will get used to this together” to “I need a poly relationship” so I had to get used to it no matter what.

Remember when you started flirting with her and I encouraged you. Then you kept surprising me. I asked you again and again to stop with the surprises. You told me again and again that I was being ridiculous. You didn’t stop with the surprises. You didn’t care. I wasn’t acting how you would have so I got thrown under the bus.

I got so tired. I felt so worthless.

Remember in February how I lied to go to work and called you on the phone, in a suicidal fit. Ready to jump into traffic?

Remember when you told me again “we will work through this together. Remember that it takes time and we knew this might happen again.”

Remember when less than three hours later, you told me we were done. We weren’t dating any more. You couldn’t handle it and the kids shouldn’t be “around this”

Remember how you never actually told me you were kicking me out. You left me to put one and one together that I didn’t have my house any more?

Remember when you treated me like I didn’t exist because of her. Remember when you flinched when I dared so much as touch you?

I bet you don’t remember how horribly you tore me down with all that. You don’t even know that you did and you won’t listen. As usual you did the right thing. As usual my words won’t work for me. 

I haven’t felt so useless in a long time.

Of course one thing you can’t remember is this.

Remember when I lied to you that it was all okay and understandable because… What else was I going to say, it’s not like you would have cared to listen then and since I lied. You won’t listen now.

Remember when we started to fall apart? Remember when you started that fire?

I wish you would remember because I can’t forget.

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3 thoughts on “Remember when

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