It hurts to drown. Screaming and flailing. The words and your very soul screaming and bashing against the walls of your brain. Clawing desperately to come out. Your loved ones within arms reach, but so unfathomably far away.
Out of reach, while there you are. Odd little Ivy. Curled up in the chair again. Quiet, but that’s not unusual. I want to scream to you that my soul aches. I want you to understand that I’m hurting. I’m confused. I’m scared. I don’t know what words to use and they won’t come out of my head.
I need touch. I need cuddles. I need a comforting hug. I need so badly to be blatantly shown that I’m wanted. I don’t know what I need.
I yell loudly to get their attention. Nothing comes out. There’s Ivy. Curled up on the chair, just watching the movie with everyone.
But I’m not.
When my words fail me and all I can do is scream painfully and silently in my head, I feel like I’m drowning. Tonight, I feel like drowning.