Know thyself

trans

I’m finding that I’m on a rather interesting adventure with this whole transitioning thing.

I spent the first 21 years of my life raised as, and acting as much as I could, like a boy. I mean, I was still generally effeminate enough that my bro name was apparently fag, but you know, whatever.

It’s been seven years since I first transitioned, but it’s been a huge learning curve for pretty much everything. I didn’t learn the “girl stuff” growing up. I don’t have any sort of mentor type person, I’m doing all this on my own, and holy shit has it been interesting.

Part of my self understanding most recently has come in an interesting form.

Ever since I transitioned I’ve held this internal dichotomy. I have been both myself, the girl trying to navigate the world and loving herself, and then the sad boy, the mask that I grew up as, who has stuck with me for a long time. I don’t like that duality, because, while I can and have learned lessons from before my transition, and would like to keep those, I am not interested in having that boy inside of me at all.

I’m very much a binary person. I’m female through and through.

I think I’ve been kind of riding this elated wave of others seeing me as the girl I am, and now that I’m starting to come back down to Earth, I’m realizing that I’ve changed drastically, and that the little boy is perhaps finally able to rest his weary head once and for all.

I don’t feel as stuck in this middle ground neither boy, girl, nor androgynous, but rather just being, existing with two people inside me, one of which just simply isn’t me.

I guess all this is to say that I’m finally feeling like “just a girl” and it’s absolutely beautiful.

Thank you for taking the time to read this sunshines, have a beautiful day!

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