life · mental illness

It’s so easy for me to forget people, and that bothers me

horrible-memory
My long term memory is pretty much just as bad

I can’t form images in my head. It just doesn’t happen. Want me to explain in good detail what R looks like, what my babies look like, what G or K look like? Well, then you’re shit out of luck. Since I can’t form images, the best that I can give you is a general description. Things like “dark hair… maybe dark brown, but could be black.” “pretty short.” etc.

To top off the lack of images, my memory is pretty shitty in the first place, due, at least in part, to my mental illnesses. I have my memories heavily colored by my moods.

Combine all this and you get the biggest problem of all: I can very easily forget those that I love if I am not around them a lot. Sounds fucked up huh… It really is, and it really bothers me.

It doesn’t take long either. A couple of weeks, maybe a month, month and a half, and I’ll have almost completely forgotten about them unless I pass by something to remind me. Someone’s instrument, a picture of them, a drawing they did. Something very concrete like that.

In a way, I kind of like it, as it makes it easier to let go of those that I loved but were toxic in my life. (Boy, wouldn’t it be great if it worked with people like V? -.-‘)

But it sucks because it makes it easier to forget and let go of people I do want in my life.

As an example, when I first got out of the crisis unit in February, I moved into my own place. Over the course of the next three weeks, I barely had any interaction (including calling) with my babies or with R. I just… They just kind of left my brain. They didn’t exist, for the most part, within my memory, so they didn’t hear from me, they didn’t see me, almost nothing.

That’s right, I’m the mother fucker that could actually plan her own surprise party.

I don’t want to forget people the way that I do. I wish there was some way to make it not be so bad, but thus far, I’ve not figured anything out, so I just need to make sure to stay in consistent contact with those I love, before I leave them in the dust to pick up the pieces while I’m 99% clueless of their existence.

I’m scared one day I will go manic, leave to another state, and never come back. Forgetting my children, forgetting my love, forgetting my family and my friends… I don’t want to lose them.

One more bright side to wrap up this post: Do you know how many times I’ve read my favorite books and been completely surprised every time?

Thank you for reading, and have a beautiful day sunshines ^.^ You are lovely people, take lovely care of yourselves!

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2 thoughts on “It’s so easy for me to forget people, and that bothers me

  1. “Do you know how many times I’ve read my favorite books and been completely surprised every time?” See, there’s a bright side to everything. Understand your frustration about not forming images – doesn’t work for me either. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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