humor · writing

Musings #2

Scientifically you are supposed to site your sources. Does that mean in paranormal research, you source your sightings?

Capris: Whoever thought “I’m going to take high waters and make a ton of money off them” was a genius.

If you have a “wet dream” are you being mind fucked?

The other day I put a mint in a light bulb. I figured the household needed some enlightenment.

I was in a building one day, and I saw this nice commemoration plaque. It was made of a darker wood, and well trimmed. It was for a man that had put a lot of money toward the building. It said, “In memory of Dick Johnson, and explained a little bit about his connection to the building. He seemed like a nice guy. I read through the whole thing and my first thought was……. “well that’s weird…” I mean, if it were to say in commemoration of Johnson’s dick, everyone would lose their mind!

I went into Qdoba (a burrito place) the other day with a pillow. I wanted a smothered burrito.

We got a Lenovo computer a while back, the kids love it, and it’s an all in one with the computer is within the monitor, so that’s cool. Well, they give us emails periodically, I got one from them the other day and the title was: “If speed is your thing.” *strange look*
Lenovo has cheap computers, do you really think I’m gonna trust their drugs?!
“Our computers suck, but you’ll be so busy cleaning your fucking house, you won’t notice!”

Abbreviations are interesting. They are generally very straight forward. Like l-b-s. That’s right, L, as in pound. Foot and featuring are the same abbreviation, but you can’t abbreviate it if you’re talking about your foot… Just to make it easy on you. Apartment is A P T, but so is the word apt.
The abbreviation for analysis is anal, which I’m sure makes for some interesting research papers.
Sometimes abbreviations get really awkward. Like bullshit. Seriously? Why do we have an abbreviation for bullshit, and why is it the same abbreviation as a Bachelors in Science?
And we have to get our fix. All 50 states, hell U.S.A. I rarely hear anybody say I am proud to be from the United States of America. No. We are so proud of our country and our abbreviations that we say “I’m a proud U.S. citizen.” We don’t even add the abbreviation for America!
We are so obsessed with abbreviations, we steal them from other languages. When you are asked to RSVP, you are being asked “repondez s’il vous plait”.
Then there’s street, lane, boulevard. St, Ln, Blvd… No wonder it’s hell to learn English.
Then, of course, there’s abbr. ABBR. Abbreviation has it’s own abbreviation! Seriously? Couldn’t we have had a shorter word that means “shortened form of…”?
I’ve always wondered, what constitutes a word getting their own special abbreviation? Like, who goes, this one right here! This mother fucker totally needs to be shortened! It’s obviously not length, I mean street, lane and foot are all abbreviated. But then again, so is abbreviation.

I love bad puns, in fact, I wrote a bunch down on a piece of paper and asked people to split it up amongst them. They were tearable.

How far can you stick your head up your ass before it’s considered masturbation?

I think I’m doing good raising my kids. They have a good appreciation for bodies of all sizes. In fact, my daughter came in the other day from playing outside and proudly told me “I’m building a graveyard!”

Have you ever given a toddler orange sherbet? Turn around for a second, and when you look back, it looks like they murdered a fucking oompa loompa!

My daughter overheard me say on the phone to someone that we would see them soon. She asked me if we were having company over. I said we are having company over for dinner, they will be tasty. She looks at me, dead stare and serious face and says:
“We can’t eat them.
We have tacos.
We don’t waste.”

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