I had a hell of an argument with R today, which mostly revolved around me having, admittedly, not the best attitude about a request dealing with the kiddos. Before I get to that though:
I’ve found the word I’ve been looking for.
I’ve called them “my problems.”
I’ve called them “my issues.”
I’ve called them “my things.”
I’ve called them “I’m sorry” far too many times.
But the thing is, they aren’t any of those. I have limitations. Plain and simple. It’s not a dirty word, it just is, the limit the way I can do things, or the things I can do, and it’s okay.
I have limitations, and they don’t care if you think they’re ridiculous. So you (and I) have to learn to work with them, and not against them.
The one that brought this up is surprises. See, surprises bother me, like super overload omfg bother me, even if they’re simple things.
Back to the beginning of the post.
R and I got into it because he asked me to pick up the kids while I was out. A simple enough request, but I have a tendency to bristle at the surprise request because:
A. All the kids in the car at one time tend to overload me pretty easily
B. Surprises will overload me and freak me out every time
So while picking up the kids is a simple enough task, adding it on top of the surprise, it very quickly starts becoming an overload, and it’s not even that it’s picking up the kids. It’s the stacking of the things that bother me all at once, out of nowhere.
We’ve butt heads over things like this before, many, many times before.
I talked to G about it, and because she’s awesomeness, she somehow knew where I was coming from and where R was coming from at the same time. (Sometimes… I wonder if magic does exist!)
Anyway, she pointed out to me that this seemed to be largely a matter of expectations.
He expects me to do certain things, and I don’t know those expectations. I do the same thing to him. We have all these expectations for each other, and then we get let down when they aren’t fulfilled. It’s almost as if we aren’t mind readers!
I expect him to know my limitations. I expect him to work around them. I mean, we’ve known each other for 11 years now, and lived with, or near, each other for most of that time.
That’s not fair to him though. That does not mean he should “just know” what is needed to work with me.
He figures, since I’m their mom, I should just kind of know what to do with them, since we’ve lived together extensively, I should know what he wants.
That’s not fair to me though. Being a mom doesn’t grace me with any inherent knowledge, and living together doesn’t grace me with any mind reading foresight, and neither of those things makes my limitations any less… limitation-y… or whatever word should be used there.
We’re living off these expectations that are fucking killing us. They are the backbone of the idea of should, and they are what is causing all of the fights with us, or at least a lot of the fighting tends to stem around expectations of/from/or about my limitations.
I was finally able to put it into words what I needed to with R because of my conversation with G.
He thinks I just need to deal with surprises as they come, and seems to act as though there’s no difference between asking me to do something on the spot, or within a few hours, as compared to planning it out, and I can finally, hopefully, get him to understand that
my limitations don’t care if you (or I) think they’re ridiculous.
So we’re going to have to find a way to work with them, not against them.
That goes for all of us out there that have limitations to deal with. They don’t make you shitty people. They don’t make you lesser, and there’s no reason they shouldn’t be taken into consideration and worked with, even if they don’t make sense to another person in your life. You aren’t your limitations, even though they affect your life. You have the right to have those that want to be in your life work with your limitations, and not with whatever expectation they have of what should or should not limit you.
Have a beautiful day sunshines. Thank you for reading.