I’m really lucky (and the reasons why make me mad as hell)

Cover photo by Erik Sille

I had a conversation the other day about the… joys that can be had when you are transitioning and just by simply existing when you’re trans, and I thought about how I’m incredibly lucky, and in the same breath, I got so ridiculously mad.

So… Why is it that I’m lucky?

I was able to obtain full time employment, much less…
I have a stable job.
I have stable housing.
I still have my family…
…and they’re willing to learn.
I’m not the black sheep of the family that nobody talks about.
I lost most of my friends initially, but I now have a beautiful group of tight knit friends that are accepting and want to learn more constantly.
I went through a fairly nasty divorce and my ex didn’t try to use my trans status against me when it came to the kids.
I’ve never been raped/jumped/beaten/had anyone try to kill me, just because I’m trans.

And why was I so mad?

The fact that the list right here *amongst other things* means that I’m fucking lucky really, really bothers me. It’s not okay the way that my trans siblings are treated. It’s not okay the way trans children are treated. It’s not okay that it’s acceptable to beat us. To rape us. To kill us. To be our fucking family and ditch us. It’s not okay that most of us lose most our friends. That it’s hell to get a job, much less keep it. That people try to take our kids just for existing.

It’s fucked up, and it’s wrong. I try so hard to be positive and do as much outreach as possible, and on most days I love talking to people who don’t like trans people, because I love changing minds. I love opening hearts. I love reaching across entire chasms to stitch the floor beneath us together.

But there are just some days I want to yell to the whole world. Fuck you. Fuck making us feel like hell. Fuck laying so many disgusting things at our feet that almost half my siblings (myself included in this) have tried to kill ourselves. Fuck all the people that celebrate trans people being raped, murdered and killed. Fuck every single person that tells my siblings they should go kill themselves. That tell us we’re monsters. Fucked in the head. Disgusting. That is good that we don’t have children, and those of us that do should lose ours. That we don’t deserve a job or a place to live. That their god is sending us to hell. Fuck the people that tell my religious siblings that they aren’t worthy of their savior’s grace. Fuck all the people who “like trans people” and only end up being fucking disgusting ass fetishists who can’t see us as people, but a really cool toy straight out of a porn.

I am so sick and fucking tired of seeing my siblings hurt so much. It hurts me that so many of my siblings have died from their own hands, from the hands of others. It’s disgusting that it is normal life for us to have to be worried if our next date is going to beat the piss out of us. That we have to out ourselves for fear of death when we are trying to date. That just existing as we are and walking outside could mean a brutal beating because… what? “Fuck you tranny” right?

Sometimes, I admittedly get tired of our cisgender allies and advocates. We are so utterly unknown, and life is set up so completely from a cis point of view, that even our allies have a tendency of being… less than helpful, or even out right mean and transphobic, and don’t even know it.

I’m lucky. I am lucky as hell to have something that most people have, and most people take for granted. I’m lucky as hell to have a basic “normal life” and that is really fucked up.

Thank you for reading sunshines, you are so awesome, I hope you have a beautiful day and take gentle care of yourselves.



6 thoughts on “I’m really lucky (and the reasons why make me mad as hell)

  1. I’m lucky, too. I’m lucky my family didn’t reject me. I’m lucky I have never been homeless, as likely would have happened without my family’s support, as it does with so many others whose mental illnesses reach the point of disability. I’m lucky I only lost a single friend when I came out, never mind that I didn’t have more than a handful of friends to start with, or that the series of events through which I lost the one friend were quite traumatic. I’m lucky that when I was treated disrespectfully at a mental health hospital, when I was outed in the waiting room, when multiple staff members misgendered me, when my trans status affected the decision of whether to admit me (they didn’t quite know what to do with me and I didn’t meet the criteria for involuntary hospitalization, and that’s where the discussion about whether I should go inpatient or not ended–and I left feeling more suicidal than when I came in) I had a family member who not only filed a complaint, but rode their asses until they implemented some changes. I’m lucky that I live in a state where I can’t be denied access to public restrooms. I’m lucky that I have access to the medications I need. I’m very, very lucky that my insurance covers my HRT (although that’s only because I had the help of the LGBT student services people at my college in figuring out how to change my gender marker for the insurance, and now I’m wondering if I’ll be screwed if I get ovarian cancer or something that isn’t covered “for men” the way testosterone isn’t covered “for women “).

    This shit is fucked up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. All of this… That this is lucky, it really is fucked up. All we’re doing is explaining a normal life that most people have, and yet it is a near miraculous thing to come out as unscathed as we have… (which is an overstatement about how good it’s been, but I assume you’ll get what I mean)
      As far as the insurance goes, that can be a problem, because they won’t cover “female issues” for male clients, and vice versa. That’s the problem that my friend is having right now, he can’t get his yearly check up paid for because of the male check box on his insurance.
      I can’t get my own yearly check up covered because of that either.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Insurance stuff like that is fucked up. And it’s fucked that they’re doing it even though they’re probably losing themselves money with their gender policing. HRT and preventative checkups cost a *lot* less than inpatient mental hospital stays and the like. Hell, even top surgery is nothing compared to a few days in a psych ward.

        Liked by 1 person

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