I had a new friend tell me yesterday that I needed to back off from the amount that I contacted her, it was making her uncomfortable. It didn’t upset me that she said that, in fact I can totally understand, I looked back through calls, text messages and Facebook messages and realized that I’m contacting her like 3, 4, 5, 6 times a day in some form or another! I’ve known this individual for roughly a month. Holy fucking shit Ivy, that is most definitely overkill! O.o I’ve also looked at my other friends and realize that…
Yeah. I’m doing the same thing with all of them.
I’m talking with someone the majority of the day. If I’m not at work, I’m trying to find someone to call. I’m almost obsessively on the phone, I need to talk to people, I have a horrible time being just by myself. As soon as I get off the phone with person A, I go directly to person B.
It’s enough of an issue sometimes that I don’t get the things that I need to do done. I’ve had to rush a couple of my assignments at school because I’m too busy obsessively talking to people. I’m too busy trying to fulfill this very much not understood need to always be in the presence of someone else, whether it’s by phone or in person.
As I think about it, since I moved out of R’s place, I have had very, very little time just simply to myself, which was part of the point. I can’t even clock how many hours I’ve been on the phone, more or less daily, since I moved out. I didn’t even realize how bad it’s been.
What is the deal? Why do I need someone around so damn constantly? I don’t like this. I’m 28 but I feel like a confused kid trying to navigate the world. There’s so much wonder, so much fear, and I don’t understand how to collect it all, and just generally be okay with life, be okay with myself, by myself.
To my friend who told me this, I know you read my blog occasionally, so if you see this, thank you for saying something, it’s causing a lot of apparently very needed self introspection.
As always sunshines, thank you for reading and have a beautiful day.