life · mental illness · trans

Should I save money for SRS… my mental illnesses say maybe not

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE AND MEANS OF SUICIDE

I’m trans. I’m dysphoric as fuck. I hate how my body is, it bothers me immensely. I want surgery. Bad. I NEED surgery bad. I started saving up money for it, due to recent situations opening up some of my cash for me, but…

I don’t know if I can save up the cash or not.

You see, not only am I trans, but I’m bipolar, often leaning toward depression. I have anxiety so bad I can’t look at people most of the time, and sometimes stop wanting/being able to leave my house. I live with constant paranoia and physical pain, and all this shit overwhelms me so often.

So what does this have to do with not saving up for surgery?

A gun is a hell of a lot less expensive than surgery, and a much faster route out of my pain.

I know, that’s not a good statement at all. I understand this, and on some days, I just can’t get myself to care. I get stuck in this strange world where I just want to save up until I can get one, and where I’m also pleading with myself to not.

That’s where I’m at right now.

I’ve been spending money on random bullshit so that hopefully my thoughts won’t become actions. I’m keeping in contact with my safe group. They know I’m not well right now, and so I’ve got eyes on me for sure, but it doesn’t help the pain in my head, the pain in my body, the dark thoughts and wishes.

I want to save for surgery, but it might not be safe. This is one of many reasons that surgery should be covered by insurance that nobody talks about, or probably even thinks about. If you are someone who requires a surgery and also have to deal with extensive mental illness (or any mental illness that makes you suicidal), then it can be incredibly difficult to be willing to, or be safe to, save money. Life ending measures are generally much cheaper than life saving measures.

“Life ending measures are generally much cheaper than life saving measures.”

I wonder sometimes how many people have actually thought of that. How many people have actually thought about the fact that maybe, just maybe, ones ability to pay for their fucking life saving measures can be what leads them to suicide? How many people think that being denied medical care, being stigmatized, being forced to pay for on their own what costs too much and is so desperately needed, might just kill people?

I’m stuck right now between nursing an intense “righteous” rage to help my trans and mentally ill siblings and trying to not fall into this disturbingly dark well that I can not see the bottom of.

The problem with that? I’ve been hanging onto the extremely slippery edge of this well for… I don’t know it’s fuzzy, days? A week? Two weeks? My head is so clouded… I’ve been holding on so damn tight, so desperately, and my arms are getting tired.

I’m getting tired.

My mind is getting tired.

I want to sleep.

I want to fly away.

I love you sunshines. I’m trying, I really am. I hope you have a beautiful day.

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