Image found here
I’ve been asked before what exactly it is that I “deal with”, because apparently people want to know all at once? I don’t know.
I’m often afraid to say because the list is long and it feels like I’m going “poor old me”, but I’m not, it’s just what my life is. I thought that perhaps I would actually put it all in one place, so that you, my lovely sunshines, can have a quick reference to things that I may talk about, and also so that those of you with lots of intertwined issues can know that you are not alone.
So… Here goes nothing:
- Obsessive paranoia (all surrounding death, generally in horrid ways to people I love)
- Panic attacks
- Bipolar type I (full on mania w/ delusions)
- PTSD from an extremely abusive relationship
- Audible hallucinations mainly involving an incredibly cruel woman in my head
- Visual hallucinations, mainly involving shadow monsters and creatures very often on the borders of my vision (but every once in a while directly in front of me) – this is also where some of my drawings come from
- Anthropophobia (fear of people, ranging from uneasy to terrified)
- Agoraphobia (fear of crowds. Ranges from scared to terrified. Unfortunately I’m never comfortable in crowds)
- Telephobia (fear of talking on the phone, ranges from okay to unable to make calls)
- Night terrors so bad I’m often afraid to sleep.
- Chronic physical pain, especially in my hands, back, and stomach.
- A range of large and small triggers from sexual, mental and physical abuse
- The residual effects of gas lighting
- Severe dysphoria
I live with the majority of these every day, day in, day out. It’s just life, and while, sure, I know it’s a lot, and I know from some people I’ve talked to that it’s almost overwhelming for them for me to even list everything, it just is.
It’s my existence. It’s not something to pity, not something to feel sorry for me for. That’s not why I share my experiences. I share them because it helps me. I share them because I feel stronger being able to own these words, these problems, and speak them aloud. I share them because I may help someone, and helping even one person feels, to me, like enough of a reason to make myself uncomfortable, sometimes very much so, by sharing all of the “problems” that I have, and giving a peek into my every day life. And of course letting others know that they are not alone, because to feel alone… to feel isolated and like you are the only person in the world that deals with what you deal with is soul crushing.
So, if I can take at least a little bit of the feelings of isolation away from anyone, then good. I’ve succeeded in what I want to do.