life

Hula hoops and height

red-head-hula-hoopMain image found here

My mom has been learning to hula hoop for about a year now. She’s went from barely being able to keep the thing around her waist for a couple of spins to doing all sorts of tricks with it, and just spinning it on her waist as if nothing is there. It’s been amazing to watch!

The other day after she was hooping for a while, she said I should try it.

I tried.

		And tried.

And tried again.

                                                                                                            and even tried some more.

then, I tried

Even                                        more!

I just wasn’t getting it very well. It’d go around a few times and *poof* next thing I know it’s on the floor and I’m laughing but embarrassed. My mom told me the best information I’ve heard so far.

“You have to stand up straight.”

Well, I did, and I hooped better than I ever have. Though, it was hard to do.

You see, I don’t stand up straight very often. In fact it’s to the point that most people don’t realize how tall I am. I’m really bad about body image (though getting better slowly) and I’m ashamed and embarrassed of my height.

When I was little, I had these dreams about this medium build, short-ish (lower 5 foot area) girl with curly brown hair. I knew in my dreams that girl was me. Of course, that didn’t work out so well with me, seeing as I’m 6’1, skinny as hell and have super flat, stick straight *naturally* blonde hair that I consistently dye red.

The height is what really gets me though. I don’t like being so tall. I don’t like standing up straight and constantly hearing “wow you’re tall for a girl”.

Really? I didn’t realize that I had my head almost hitting the ceiling! Shocking! I don’t think I ever would have realized my height if it weren’t for your astute observations and insistence in letting me know!!

I might just be a little jaded…

Anyway, I have a bad back in the first place, and the top of my spine does this little thing where it makes an S shape, which makes the bottom of my back feel excellent. All the time. Consistent back pain rocks!

I’m not helping myself though, by always stooping over. It’s so difficult to be okay enough with my height that I do actually stand up straight. The hooping helped with that because, yeah, you do have to stand up totally straight, and it’s a pain in the ass, but man, was that fun, and one hell of a workout.

Perhaps, just maybe, I should take up hooping, and even more perhapsedly, it would A. get me in shape and B. help me appreciate my height and posture a little more.

I don’t always understand why I hate my height so much, I mean, I think girls as tall as me are sexy as hell!!!! It doesn’t seem to translate though… I’m guessing it’s probably from self shame and dysphoria, along with it being attributed to going through a testosterone based puberty.

I hope I get to the point that I can stand up proud one day.

I want to get to the point where I don’t mind wearing heels (cause I loves them, and they’re fantastic as all get out)

I don’t want to stick to social norms and feel awkward to be taller than most, if not all, the guys that I’m around.

My standing in such a way as to hide my height is bad enough that R is always surprised when I stand up straight! Even he forgets how tall I am.

One day I’ll get there. One day I’ll love all of me, but for now, I’ll continue to work upwards piece by piece.

Thank you for reading and have a lovely day sunshine ^.^

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