I’ve been trying to figure out for a long time a very simple, succinct way to tell my confidants how I’m feeling, especially when things are bad. There’s one big, huge, problematic issue…
I can’t tell anyone when I’m feeling suicidal.
And that happens to cause just a few issues like, I don’t know, not seeking help when it’s desperately needed. Weird huh? I’ve just never been sure on how to go about it, I’m too embarrassed, even if I’ve lost all lucidity, to be able to say that my problems are that heavy at that moment.
Well, yesterday, while I was trolling Facebook, this picture came across my feed:
Color coded chart for mental health awareness
Do you see this amazing thing of beauty?! LOOK AT IT! LOOK CLOSELY IN AWE!
This chart is fucking amazing. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of some sort of color coded system, but here it is in all it’s glory. Someone decided to make a way for a single color to get a whole entire point across!!!!
As I found this a little bit cool and a lot bit potentially helpful, I’ve forwarded on this chart to a special group that I have on my personal Facebook.
See, I have a beautiful core group of friends/family that have all decided to work closely with me as basically a watch group. They all are in contact with each other and communicate any concerns they see in how I’m acting or with what I’m saying.
To even have a group of friends like that, that are willing to take the extra steps to be in my life and help me keep myself safe… I’m just blown away, I love these people so, so, so, so much.
The problem that I have run into is that I have a tendency of bullshitting when things get really bad. I’m aware of this, and I’ve made them aware of this. It’s not fair to them to have to try and see through my bullshit, and it doesn’t allow anyone to reconcile the difference between a bad day and an emergency. This chart, I think, is going to change that.
I think I’d be able to say “I’m feeling red” and have someone call 911, or if in person, take me down to the crisis unit.
I can’t tell someone I’m feeling suicidal. I can’t tell them I want to harm myself. It’s too embarrassing.
I guess in a way, it’s like when I’m talking about my past with sexual assault, I tend to call it “the bedroom stuff.” It’s too hard and too embarrassing to say what happened. It’s hard enough to write anything down.
So here’s another tool sunshines for you to take care of yourselves. Love yourselves, you are worth it, you are beautiful. If you can’t admit to doing really bad, or just want to keep things private, then perhaps give this a try. Maybe it will make it easier for you than having to shoulder everything by yourself. Of course, beyond friends and family, there are hotlines you can call to get help.