(Image of woman lifting toddler in the air while in a wheat field) found here
Last night was quite fascinating. You see, I have a very hard time relating to my children on most levels, including just really understanding how young they are, or how their minds work, pretty much at all. Which is often what brings me to the (hopefully false?) conclusion that I suck as a mom.
Last night though… Last night I SAW my babies, like, really saw them.
Saw their beauty
Saw how they function
Understood who they were.
I saw my children instead of seeing my frustrations.
I played with them most of the night, cuddled up with them.
Talked with them instead of at them.
Didn’t flip out over them not listening.
They are amazing little creatures. It’s interesting to watch them process. And my twins, my poor, lovely twins. I really got to see how they struggle with every day processing, something I’ve never really seen before. Really trying to understand what motivates D to be as destructive as he is, figuring out why C just suddenly turns so far inward sometimes. I got to see a glimpse of it.
Those kids are amazing you guys. I can’t even begin to explain.
I’m happy I was finally able to see them, and past my fog of frustration and selfishness.
I’m sad that I’ve missed out on so many years with all of them. Most, if not all of their lives, I haven’t been around how I’ve needed to be. I’ve hid, I’ve yelled, I’ve ignored, I’ve whooped their asses, which I do not think is appropriate at all! I’ve done everything except see them, truly acknowledge their existence.
I guess I partially have G to blame for seeing that awesomeness yesterday. She is just absolutely amazing with her twins. I love going over to her house, not just cause she’s awesome and I like to hang out with her, but because of how amazing she is with her babies, and how much I get to learn.
It was good to get to see my babies. Really, truly see them.
Thank you sunshines for reading, and take gentle care of yourselves and any babies (human or fuzzy or scaled or… you get the point) that you may have