Well… I had my final conversation with my life donor last night. I told him that it fucked me up, ditching me how he did when I was 12, and coming in and out of my life again and again since then.
He tried to explain himself, saying that my mom cheated on him, so on and so forth. I told him I really didn’t give a damn what did or did not happen between him and someone else, and it was fucked up that I got the brunt of the bullshit because he was jaded with my mom. (Mind you, they hadn’t been together for YEARS before he decided to ditch me).
Two years ago, we moved just a couple miles from him. I thought everything would be good, but I barely heard anything and they came over all of once. I asked him why nobody talked to us, why nobody came around, and essentially his answer was that we were just too strange for them.
He also told me that he really did want to be in our lives.
I asked him, if he really did want to be in my life, then why wasn’t I worth ten seconds for a text? Why wasn’t I worth taking the time to ask as many questions as necessary to understand me and my life?
He said that saying that I wasn’t worth ten seconds out of his day was harsh and not fair. I told him that I’m not parsing words or taking shots, that’s just simply the reality of it. If I was worth those ten seconds then I would have gotten them, the end.
Well, I guess at least I know now right? At least he knows now right?
My whole fucking life I wanted my daddy.
And I didn’t get him because he was mad at someone else, and found me too strange.
But of course… It didn’t have anything to do with me right? That’s what he kept telling me.
I don’t even know how to feel right now.
I just know that my heart hurts… That I bawled my eyes out, and that I’m trying not to do the same thing at work this morning.