anxiety · death

Driving – The Uncontrollable Plotting of a Mind Plagued by Anxiety

I like driving, but it gets a little more difficult every year, see, I have serious obsessive anxiety and paranoia, which centralizes around the ways that I’m obviously going to die every time I leave the house and drive, or get a ride. So, how does the story go in my head?

Imagine if you will, you’re driving down the highway. It’s a three lane highway with a short guardrail. To your left is the traffic going the other way, and to your right is nothing but valleys and hills. You see a large hill descending down into a steep valley, probably 50 feet below up ahead, and then your “vision” starts happening. You already know what’s going to happen because you can see it so clearly.

First, the tire is going to blow as you are just about to the top of the hill, but it’s only going to be on one side, the front passenger side. Because you’re going down the highway, and it blows so hard, the metal of the tire will hit the asphalt and launch your van into the air. The van will start rolling with the excess speed of the highway driving. It launches into the air off the hill, landing at an odd angle, partly on the hood, partly on the roof. When it hit, it crushed in the hood of the car, which pierced something important within. Something in there sparks and starts a fire. Now, it hit the roof too, and that crunched in the doors, so they will not open. On top of that, the seat belt has jammed and you can’t get it off, so you are stuck, slowly watching your fate come toward until you are engulfed, screaming, slowly dying in the flames.

This is one of a couple scenarios that play in my head every single time I go out as a passenger or driver.

Another is:

I’m driving in the fast lane, nearest to the guard rail. There’s something in the road, but I don’t see it in time. When I hit it, it swings me straight to the guard rail, which I hit and flip over, it sends me flying, landing square in to the front of a semi truck.

At least I die quickly in that one.

They’ve happened so often, I’ve had them ever time I’ve drive for the last 10 years, but sometimes people can’t understand why I’m so jumpy in the car. I am certain something horrid is going to happen. It’s scarier when I’m in the passenger seat because I have no control of the vehicle whatsoever. I’m at the mercy of the traffic and the driver, and too many people drive too close to others and stop too quickly and too close.

It sucks having anxiety, it sucks even worse when it’s obsessive. I guess I can be thankful that it’s only over two things. Driving, and losing my house, but that’s a story that is, perhaps, for another day.

Thank you for reading sunshines and have a beautiful day!

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4 thoughts on “Driving – The Uncontrollable Plotting of a Mind Plagued by Anxiety

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