I’ve never had a good memory, so it’s hard enough to remember things in general, much less correctly, but there is an underlying factor that makes it impossible to truly remember things.
My bipolar phase and my anxiety colors all of my memories.
If I’ve been depressed, I’ve obviously always been depressed, I mean, I can remember that everything’s always been depressing. Those celebrations and happy times? They were all just feigned. I’ve never been happy.
If I’m in a mania, of course I’ve always been this happy, how could I have ever been sad? Sure, I had a couple of times where I had to slow my roll for a minute, but I have never been depressed before. This is just how I’ve always been.
If I’m in a paranoid state, it’s always been like this. I can’t get my fears out of my head. I mean, every memory I have is tainted with the fear that will never go away. It’s just something I’ve had to get used to.
Every single one of those are completely false statements, but I can see it no other way. Depending on which state I’m in is dependent on how I recall my life. My mental illnesses are so entirely encompassing that I can not even remember my life correctly. It’s very difficult to deal with sometimes.
It gets confusing in my mind, but it also gets super confusing to other people, because my story will change based on how I feel. The actions won’t but the reasoning and supposed feelings do constantly. I haven’t figured out a way to control it, nor, technically have I actually seen it happen. It’s just that R is very inciteful and has helped me figure myself out along the way.
It’s really frustrating to live with, because, even though none of us can truly trust our memories, as they are far too malleable, it makes it even more difficult when your memories change based on the presentation of your mental illness.
Thank you for reading, and have a beautiful day sunshines!