R and I had a very lengthy conversation yesterday about the dynamics of our relationship and what it was from both sides that was making things so damn awkward. Every time I’d been over there, he’d seen me sad. I cried.
Every. Single. Time.
When I came over there, he didn’t smile when he saw me. He muttered I love you. I was so confused. He seemed so cold when I was there, as though he didn’t want me around. Yet, when we were talking on messenger he reiterated how much he wanted me around.
It’s been difficult for me to navigate our relationship, as right now, cuddles and stuff are out of the question. We’ve always been cuddly, and for me, when a relationship with someone (friendship, romantic, doesn’t matter) has always been cuddly and it suddenly stops, it makes it hard for me to understand our dynamics. I tend to wonder what I did. If it’s not cuddly from the start, it’s not a problem.
I found out the reasons why, and… I admittedly am a little miffed. One thing we’d always said is our friendship would never get altered from someone else, I mean, why would it? Well… it has been for right now, and I understand the reasons why, but I can’t say that it doesn’t make me mad, because it does, but I’m able to hold that duality.
Anyway, once we hashed everything out through our 2 or so hour conversation, things were much better.
I visited after work and after school. I was over there for the better part of 4 hours, and it was absolutely lovely!! We smiled at each other, we were just generally happy, and it was so wonderful and fluid and natural. I’m very content right now, and I’m so glad I got to kick it under good circumstances with my best friend.
Have a beautiful day sunshines, take gentle care of yourselves, thank you for reading, and don’t forget to love the little things. They’re much bigger than we often think.