I’ve started saying I love you a lot more to the people I care about.
This is because of my suicide attempt. It’s still pretty fresh in my mind, and I think about it a lot, and it scares the shit out of me that I almost died. I wouldn’t tell R where I was, I was dead set on doing what I was going to do. I really, truly almost died, and that scares me a lot.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to get to that point again or not, and I found myself thinking that what I was doing was perfectly reasonable. If I do it again. If it succeeds. I want the people I love in my life to know that I truly loved them. If something else happens to me, they need to know that I loved them.
I know I scared the hell out of the people I love. I know I scared R the worst. This was the first time that I was completely unwilling to tell him where I was at. I’ve got a new appreciation for those around me, that’s for sure. I almost lost everything to my death… They almost lost me to it.
I fucking hate having mental illnesses. I hate what it does to me. I hate how it affects others, but within that, I’ve learned how to love so much deeper, because I don’t know how long I will last, you know?
I hope it will never happen again, I hope I won’t try again, but I might, and I might succeed, so, just in case, I feel that I must express how deeply I care about people, let them know every day how much I care.
I’m also learning how to just let my relationships with people be what they are.
I’m not a burden to people. They choose to be around me. They choose to provide the extra help. They know all the problems I have, and the special care, and fear, that comes with it, and they choose to stay around and be a part of my life. They are able to walk out any time, but they don’t.
Since they choose it, I can’t be a burden. There are many people in my life that have stuck by my side through thick and thin over the last few years, and a special few who have for a very long time. There are also fairly recent friends that are just absolutely lovely and have chosen to ride with me through this crazy shit.
I know some of you read my blog, and others don’t, so for those of you that I’m talking about that do read my blog, know that I love you. I love you so very much, and I’m very happy to have you in my life. You are wonderful, kind, beautiful people, and just as you hope I can see my self worth, I really hope you can see yours. I’m extremely proud to know you, and if I weren’t writing pseudonymously and keeping y’all pseudonymous as well, I would shout your names at the top of my lungs (words?) on this blog, but just know, I love you so damn much and you’re wonderful amazing people.
Have a beautiful day sunshines, thank you for reading, and take gentle and kind care of yourself.