Welcome to morning number two not living in my former house, and I’m getting more used to this whole thing of not living with R. It’s been difficult to sleep without him beside me. I woke up screaming last night, and then started crying when I realized he wasn’t there to comfort me. The nights are the worst.
During the day we talk extensively and I know I still have my best friend, but at night, the anxiety kicks in and I become afraid that he’s going to disappear on me. Everything with this whole adventure I have more or less became okay with, outside of the fact that we don’t sleep in the same bed. I miss that so much. He’s so safe and comforting, but, I need to learn to be on my own, so, I can’t have that. Perhaps one day again I will, but not for now.
Today is the first day back to work. I even managed to wake up the first time my alarm went off, which I’ve never done.
I’ve been trying to tie down a schedule for myself and figuring out how to most wisely use my extra free time I now have. I’m setting up time for homework and chill time. I’m scheduling things more for myself so there’s not as many surprises.
We’ve had to explain to the kids that I’m not living there anymore, and for the most part they seem to be okay with it, I just had to get them to understand that A- this is not their fault and B- I’m doing this to be a better mommy for them, and my goal is more real time with them, not just around them and hiding. I’m going to get a car pretty soon, and I’m starting to look for a studio or flat, but that’s still a few paychecks away. In the mean time, I have somewhere to live that is not our house, though I’ve visited every day.
My heart doesn’t feel so broken anymore, now that I know that R still wants to be heavily involved in my life. I’m glad he made the decision he did, and this is really what I’ve wanted for a long time now, just… I always pictured him in the picture with me, in our bed. That’s okay though. I’ll get used to it. We might become romantically inclined in the future or we might now, but if I have him ride or die by me, then I’m happy. I just want the most intimate possible relationship with him, and dating isn’t necessary for that, in fact, it may be inhibiting it.
I got so lost in the title of partner that I lost sight of my best friend. I don’t want to lose him entirely, and this has already been helping build our relationship back up.
The only other thing that I really will miss is the sex. Sex with him was the first time I’ve ever been completely comfortable. It was so safe, and I was able to explore myself with him so much, and I’m going to miss that particular intimacy a lot. I’m hoping that it won’t go away entirely, because it was so safe, comfortable and loving.