It’s the small triggers that are the worst I think. It’s harder to explain them to people, because they seem so trivial from the outside. I’ve had a rough time with it for years, and I’ve had people find themselves initially amused, and sometimes blowing off my concerns, or just being completely and totally unable to wrap their head around how it could possibly be an issue. So, what are these small, but highly intrusive triggers?
- Purple and green together
- Odd numbers
- Medical bracelet collections
- someone standing too close to a doorway
The medical bracelet one I didn’t realize until one day a friend, who passed last year at his own hands, joked that he was going to start collecting his medical bracelets, and I lost my shit. I had a full on panic attack from being just fine. V collected her medical bracelets.
When someone stands too close to a doorway, I’m afraid they’re going to block my exit. It doesn’t have to be a stressful situation, in fact, it doesn’t matter what situation it is in, I get spooked, just because they are there. Right there. Ready to block my exit, ready to make it impossible for me to escape. They’re going to do it, I just know it. I don’t know when, nor do I know why they will, but I know they will, because she did all the time.
The odd numbers is really bad. See, she was obsessed with odd numbers, and hated even numbers. Her obsession became my anti-obsession. Odd numbers now scare me. I have to have the volume of something on an even number. If someone turns it to an odd number, I get really panicky and I can’t focus, but I don’t want to say anything, because A. I know it’ll sound stupid to them, B. I don’t want to explain anything. If I look at the clock, and it’s on an odd numbered time, I have to wait for it to click to the next minute so that it’s even again, or I panic. It took me a while to listen to my favorite radio stations again, because they are odd numbered. Sometimes I’ll cook things at 330 degrees, so that it’s not odd. I can’t stop the microwave at one anymore, if I stop it prior to dinging, it’s got to be at two. I’ve even found with this blog, that thinking about scheduling something ahead of time for an odd numbered time makes me edgy. The problem of course is that odd numbers are just as pervasive as even numbers. Five years later, I still find a complete fear based obsession with odd numbers, and can not shake it.
The worst though… The absolute worst one is when purple and green are right next to each other. Her room, where all the bedroom stuff started, was purple and green. Every single time I see those two colors together, my mind travels back to that room, and those actions. Tortures me with exquisite details of the horrors that I went through. Sometimes, when I see both colors together, I feel the ghost of her touch. On my back, on my face, down my arm, on my crotch. Everything… It’s horrible. Those two colors don’t just make me edgy, they often destroy me momentarily, and I’ve had to figure out how to push through it. Especially since A’s (kiddo) favorite color is purple, and B’s (kiddo) favorite color is green.
These things, these little things. I have no way of avoiding most of them, and it doesn’t feel worth it to explain it to those around me, because, well, it just seems pointless. I’d rather not be blown off, or have others find my fears and pains amusing. They are so minute to the outside world, that I fear that I will not be taken seriously, because…
Really? Colors? Odd numbers? Daring to stand next to a doorway? When I think about it on it’s surface, I can barely take myself seriously… but I of course know how extremely serious it is.
Thank you for reading sunshines, and have a beautiful day.