I’m back and things are very different

Hello sunshines! I use the scheduler extensively, so it didn’t look like I was gone, but I’ve been in a crisis center mental hospital since Tuesday. My mind finally broke. I got very, very mentally tired and afraid, and so I decided that I wanted to sleep permanently. I was going to through myself into a semi, and I almost did. I had gone so far as writing a suicide note on here and scheduling it. I lied to R about what I was doing before he dropped me off, he thought I was at work. I ended up breaking down before I did it and called R. He got me into the crisis unit.

R has decided that he can’t have this relationship anymore, and I don’t blame him. I’ve scared him many times with the problems I have, and it’s not a good position for him to be in. So, for right now, we are not husband and wife. I do not know what the future will hold with that, but I can’t worry about that right now.

I’m going to be getting my own place. We are still very good friends, and there is no animosity between us.

This is going to be a good thing for me. See, I’ve never learned to be an adult, not by myself. What I mean by that is that I had my first child at 19, so I’ve never had an adult life without children around constantly, and the last time I didn’t have a partner was 7th grade. I don’t understand life if I’m not a partner and a parent, and I need to learn that.

The kids are going to be living with R. I will be visiting them, but it’s going to be a hell of a change, that’s for sure. The hardest part of this for me is that I won’t be going to bed next to him every night. I won’t be able to have him hold me tight and chase all the fears away anymore, which, while it breaks my heart, is probably a good thing, because I need to learn to do it myself.

I’m also finally changing my name. I thought this would be a good time, so I’m going to legally be Ivy!! I’m pretty damn proud of it.

I’m starting a new chapter in my life and I’m fucking terrified, but I’m doing well.

I love you sunshines, I hope you have a beautiful day. Know that I really am okay right now, and take gentle care of yourselves loves.

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