Monogamy is all about sex

I don’t mean that the relationships themselves are all about sex, but I think that the concept of monogamy itself makes relationships specifically revolve around sex.

What the hell do you mean?

When you are in a monogamous relationship with another person, there are all sorts of other intimate relationships that you are allowed to be in.

  • You can have a super intimate relationship with your best friend where you share your deepest secrets with them.
  • You’re allowed to have friends that you can have fantastically deep conversations with. You get mentally intimate with them, mind sex at it’s finest.
  • You are able to have a workout/hiking/some sort of exercise partner that you intimately share that experience of exercise with. Both of you get so much out of it, and you are able to make each other feel so good about it.

There are many different examples, and I’m sure you could think of more if you took a minute to think about it, but yet, there’s one super mega no-no taboo: sex.

If you want to get physically intimate with someone else, suddenly, that’s where you’re not allowed to have other relationships. That is the one and only solidifying boundary to monogamy as a whole. While there are independent boundaries depending on the relationship, the one thing that all monogamous relationships stand on is that:

You can’t fuck anyone else. You can’t have a physically intimate relationship with anyone else.

It’s upsetting really. Sex is only a portion of a relationship. It’s one facet of a million things, and yet, it is the tying bind to a monogamous relationship. It’s such a huge focus. No matter how much you’re allowed to look, you can’t touch, because if you do, you obviously don’t care about your partner as much as you say you do. Sex with another person can ruin your relationship.

Now, there’s definitely more to cheating than just sex, but I really think that many cases of cheating stem from people not being able to be attached to just one person, but mutually entering into a relationship in which they must want a relationship with only one person, or at least feign it. If you get interested in another person, you have to pretend that you are not. You have to distance yourself from those feelings, because they’re not acceptable, because that intimacy is for one person, and one person only.

Monogamy is often built off of some basis of forced restraint and/or lying, often, this is not done purposely, but if you like someone else as well as your partner, you can’t say so. You have to convince yourself (see: lie to yourself) that you don’t like them like that. You can’t tell your partner that you like them (lying through omission), you have to restrain yourself from, not just actually having a relationship, but having the idea that you care for this other person in that particular intimate way. It is, for many, many relationships, necessary to lie and restrain to keep the relationship in order, and sometimes, in tact.

I don’t think that this is intentional, at least, not very often, but it’s there. People make it work, and are perfectly happy, but…

It’s sad. It’s sad that the only socially acceptable form of intimate, partner type relationships is a restrained one. It’s sad that cheating is so common, because secrecy and restraint is so necessary that people end up doing shitty things. It’s sad that so many people get stuck in this position of choosing one love over another. It’s sad that we are told that we must restrict love for it to mean anything.

I’m happy for the people that can do it. The people that make it work, no matter how long. The people that can stay with each other long term, and the people who can end things gracefully and nicely. I’m glad for all healthy relationships, they make me all warm and fuzzy inside. I’m just sad that those healthy relationships must be restricted, because sex. Because intimacy. Because jealousy. Because society. Because ownership. Because rarity. Because so many reasons, most, if not all of which, are more negative than positive.

Thank you for reading sunshines, and have a beautiful day.



4 thoughts on “Monogamy is all about sex

  1. So I just watched this movie about Dickens called the Invisible Woman, about his mistress for 13 years. In Victorian society, divorce (especially for a famous person) wasn’t allowed, so yeeeeeah. It gave me sooooo much to think about.

    Especially one conversation: “We have to break these conventions. Smash them up. We are the pioneers.” “Pioneers. You men, you live your lives while it is we who have to wait. You see a freedom which I do not see.”

    Liked by 1 person

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