life · trans

Dysphoria, surgery, crowdfunding and sadness

The featured image comes from a comic strip I found here.

I’ve thought a lot about putting up a crowd funding drive to hopefully get surgery, because I don’t see how I will ever be able to afford it, and I don’t see medicaid paying for it in my state any time in the near or distant future, but…

Looking through and seeing all these people that have tried is heartbreaking and depressing. There are so many out there, and almost none of them are funded, and I don’t know if I could deal very well with putting one up and seeing it fail miserably.

Surgery is so damn important to me. It’s a life goal, it’s not a want, it’s a need, and somehow, I have to push it out of my mind each and every day. I have to deal with looking in the mirror, I have to find my way to find comfort in the bedroom, I have to actively work hard on being at least okay with every single aspect that could possibly include genitals. This includes simply taking off my clothes.

People don’t realize just how much there could possibly be that can become a problem and uncomfortable if you have serious dysphoria and genitalia problems.

So, what are some of the things that create issues?

  • taking clothes off
  • bathing
  • peeing
  • going to bed
  • changing clothes
  • putting clothes on
  • Tucking
    • then there’s the times I can’t tuck. Shit gets fucked up down there, rashes happen a lot easier, even if you take good care of yourself, you can’t do it every day. On the days where I’m unable to tuck there’s the problem of:
      • walking
      • sitting
      • moving
  • Even tucked, sitting can still be a thing
  • walking can be a concerning prospect, because, well, I like girls form fitting jeans, sometimes things don’t always hold in place, so walking, simply just walking from point a to point b can be an anxiety and panic inducing procedure

Nearly every aspect of my life reminds me, somehow, of what’s there that should not be. I can’t even piss comfortably for crying out loud. Honestly, there are many days where I wish I could just fucking be cis, I really wish it was a choice, but it’s not. I’m too damn poor for surgery, and it’s so incredibly uncomfortable body wise to be trans for me.

I want to love me. I want to love my body, I really, honestly, truly want to, and I try. I try so incredibly hard, but… I can’t… It’s not right. There should be a vagina there, and there’s not, and now we have the medical capabilities to change that, but… it’s out of reach because of money.

I don’t even really know the point of this post. I just had to get all that out. Maybe one day I can get surgery, maybe one day trans people’s crowd funding campaigns will actually be successful, maybe one day I’ll get gutsy enough to put one up.

Or maybe it’s all just a god damn pipe dream…

It hurts so much you guys. I can’t even begin to explain how  bad it gets sometimes. There are times that I’ve seriously considered just getting high as hell on some pain pills or something and taking the fucking thing off myself, but then, that would ruin the ability for surgery, and I’d probably bleed out and die, so that’s not good either. Don’t worry, I won’t do it, but to say I don’t think about it would be a lie.

Sorry for the depressing post sunshines. It’s so hard to handle some days. I love you all fellow humans, thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you have a beautiful day.

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4 thoughts on “Dysphoria, surgery, crowdfunding and sadness

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