anxiety · bipolar · mental illness

Going down a mountain with no controls and no brakes

So, this is going to be a little more uncomfortable (at least for me), because it’s not quite as candid as most of my other posts are. I’m actively thinking about this one, it’s more like my research posts for me. I’ve been kind of quiet, in terms of directly talking about what’s going on, but, as you have probably seen my sunshines, I think it’s important for people to understand directly what’s going on in my head, as a representation of mental illness, so that, if anything, those of you without can get an idea of one journey and maybe it will help you understand others, and those of you with will know you’re not alone. So, let’s get into this.

I’ve been having a hard time lately, and I’m sure it’s fairly obvious by some of my most recent posts, but what does that hard time mean?

I’m spiraling downward, but I’m still lucid about it. This is new to me, as it’s generally so fast, and I’m going from manic to depressed just like that and never lucid, so I get to see it, almost like a spectator, and this is what I’m seeing and feeling.

  • I’m having a much harder time looking people in the eye. It spooks me, I’m afraid I’m going to invite a fight by doing so, as though eye contact were a sign of aggression or attempted dominance, rather than just something you do when you converse with people.
  • My audible hallucinations are partially back. The scared one isn’t there, but the mean one (the bitch from hell) is. She’s not screaming, but she constantly whispers in the back of my head. It’s disconcerting having conversations in your head, or even voices, just in general (seeing as I like to try to ignore her) that you can’t control.
  • I’m getting more and more confused. It’s harder to parse things apart and understand them. I can feel my lucidity waning at times, and it’s really scary.
  • Keeping motivation on a consistent basis is becoming more difficult. I know that this is one of those things that people who don’t have depressive episodes find difficult to understand. It’s… Kind of hard to explain. It’s like, you know that there are certain things that you should do, and things that you want to do, but it becomes this struggle to feel like doing it. You begin to find an understanding in the world, in your own head, that there really isn’t anything you want to do. You have no motivation to continue doing the things you know you need to do, and you lose sight of the idea that there are actually things you want to do. Everything becomes bleak. There is no bright side. It’s as though someone trapped you in a box with all solid sides, and no light to turn on. It becomes pitch black once the door closes, and you’ve been stuck with a radio on loop reminding you that you’re not worth it, that it’s just too difficult to get up, it’s not worth taking care of yourself, there is nothing that is fun, you don’t find enjoyment in things… Just again and again and again, and it is so incredibly difficult, if not impossible to break that loop on your own
  • My anxiety is going through the roof. A lot of it is based around agoraphobia. This means that it’s becoming more and more of an active fight against myself to be able to be around people in either large groups or one-on-one. For some reason, that I can never pin down, people are just simply terrifying. It’s various things that pass through my head. This person may beat the shit out of me, this person is going to be cruel, this person is going to touch me, this one’s going to try to get my kids taken away, this one’s staring me down, that one over there hates me, everyone is judging me, everyone hates me. I know this for certain, though, it’s wrong. At least I’m still lucid enough to keep it at bay.

I’m spiraling down, and the worst thing is, I don’t know why. My life is fucking awesome right now, it’s so wonderfully beautiful, everything is going right. There are so many things going for me, so many things going for R. There’s L, a new and wonderful introduction to our little realm, and we’ve all hit it off so well. My oldest has a super cool chance for something with school this summer. We’re going to get to move soon, we’ll get caught up on bills, shit’s really good you guys, but…

Mental illnesses don’t give a fuck about that. You don’t necessitate triggers to start spiraling downhill, you just simply have to exist, and yes, it’s all in my head, and that…

That is the whole problem.

Thank you for reading sunshines, and I hope you have a beautiful day.

 

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3 thoughts on “Going down a mountain with no controls and no brakes

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