The Anxiety Monologues – Entry 2

I’m super disoriented right now. It’s hard to understand where I’m at. The whole world is here but not here. It’s right but not right. I’m at work, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m floating, but I can see my feet on the ground. I keep zoning out, able to hear and see everything around me, but unable to react. I don’t know what this is. It happens sometimes, it’s very disconcerting. I’m scared. Why is it like this. I’m here but I’m not, and if I’m not then where am I. Why do I feel disconnected? Is this actually work, or is it something else? I don’t know, I can’t understand. I’m coming in and out of reality. Floating yet grounded. I know this is work, but everything seems so distant. The things I know are near me seem so far away. What is going on? I

I don’t know if I’m panicking. I can’t understand how I feel. Am I scared? Bored? Upset? I’m confused. I know that much. I’m confused and I have so many thoughts swirling in my head I can’t grasp on to them. Eerything is so strangely far away. It’s that tunnel vision. The one in movies where everything grows and yet backs away at the same time. How does that happen wit hus? Cameras are zoomed in while moving backwards to create the effect, so, since we can’t do that, how does this happen? Why do things grow and shrink at will sometimes? Why do we float, and why do things get spinny? I wish sometimes that I could end all this, I’m just done. It’s too heavy. I see my feet grounded, but I don’t feel grounded. I feel like I’m floating in the air, in a non-existance within what I typically know as reality. What is going on? Why can I not know what I am feeling? How does that even work? Is it a multitude of feelings? A single thing? Why can’t I know. Why are my emotions so vibrant yet hiding from me, or are they vibrant? Am I feeling anything. Just let me go, please. The computer seems so far away, and yet, I can touch it. Did my arms grow, or is it closer than it looks. Growing, shrinking, growing, shrinking. Every thing is changing too rapidly. I can not grasp my reality right now. What is going on? Sometimes Ithink about buying a gun. A kiss goodnight, final and complete. Nothingness forever, perhaps it would be sweet.

The room, still floating. Still not touching the ground and yet I’m touching the ground. It makes no sense. I can’t wrap my head around reality right now. I don’t understan.d I wish I knew, I wish I got it. What the fuck is going on. I Feel panic, but it’s not panic. It’s uncaring, but is it really? I don’t care that I’m here, I do’nt care that I’m floating, but I Fear it. It scares me, but it makes me no longer pcare. When will death pick up this present from life? Sometimes I want to speed it along. Right now I want to speed it along. The world is spinning, but feels as though it’s standing still. It’s the strangest thing. I can feel everything spinning, spinning, spinning, but it’s not, unless my eyes are deceiving me. It’s hard to stand, because everything is tilted, but how can you stand if you’re floating? And yet, my feet are indeed touching the ground. I can’t combine my senses. My nose doesn’t smell the work that I know. My eyes don’t see what’s there as it is. In, out, in out. Floating and shrinking all at once. Growing and disappearing together. Things are so near, and yet so far, and I can’t focus on what they are. What is going on? I don’t want to live with this. Let this gift be received. I drew another monster today, his lips sewn shut. I feel as though mine are as well. Perhaps my dear monsters are reflections of me? The hidden parts of my mind. Most of them are not evil, just understood. They hide in the shadows for fear of hatred. Perhaps they are shadows of me. I don’t want to do this. Why? Why are things so weird. They were fine just minutes ago… weren’t hey? I really don’t know. I can sort of focus on the typing, but as fast as the words move they go away again. What am I saying? What am I thinking. The thoughts move so quickly, do I een really know what they are. Death. I don’t know. I don’t want to float anymore. I especially don’t want to float with my feet on the ground. Can I please just get down. The walls feel like they’re moving, they look like they’re moving, but they look like they’re staying the same. IClosing my eyes, things are spinning, it’s as if I can feel the movement of the world, but that’s absurd, isn’t it? It spins and spins, but the spinning is so fast, it’s like a merry go round that doesn’t move, and yet, here it is in perpetual motion, spinning, spiting my mind and it’s attempt at understanding. What is going on? Where di this come from. Can it just go away? Please can it just go away? I want to figure out what’s going on. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I hate being sick. I live off of pills. So many pills. anxiety, mood stabilizer, depression, testosterone blocker, progesterone, estrogen. So many medications every. single. day. I want to be done. Done with the medications, done with my sickness. Done with bothering people, and being the burden I’ve always held. Life is better, I Can help a little bit, but still I hide. I hide so often. It makes it so I don’t do as much as I should. I have boundaries to work within, and they’re more problematic then they are helpful. Why does the room move like it does. How can I touch things that are so close. THe keyboaard seems so far away, and yet here I am typing on it. It’s growing but not growing, as it receds into the spot it has been all along. What the fuck is this? How do people ever see like this. What is my brain doing. I don’t want it to be sick anymore. It hurts. It always hurts. Physically, mentally. This shadow overhwelming. I try, I fight, I fight so much, because living is the right thing to do… Right? I sure hope so, because I don’t want this to be worthless, but I feel like it is, I’m going to kick it at some point anyway, so why not now instead of however many days, onths, years it may be from now? Why does it make such a difference? How are my feet on the ground? How are my fingers on the keyboard. I’m floating and the keyboard is so far away, and yet netierh seem to be true. How do I understand this world of oxymorons and opposites? It’s daunting and scary. I feel the panic rise as the oddities continue. Going from one place to another, how did I get to this computer anyway? I was just in the bathroom. Now I’m here typing, saying things I can’t even remember. When did this happen? Does it even matter? The world is spinnign around me, tilting, and gone, all at the same time. This is my work but it’s not. I’m floating with my feet on the ground. I don’t understand, I can’t understand. I’m trying, I really am, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m limited, crippled by the sickness in my brain. Crippled from living an entirely functional life because of… who knows? Why the fuck does this happen to people? I just don’t understand. I just want it to stop. Won’t it please just stop?

 

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4 thoughts on “The Anxiety Monologues – Entry 2

  1. Brilliant work of reality. Mine included. Bipolar and panic disorder. Luckily i was not anxious while reading that, seems so real to read; really hitting home hard. Sending good vibes from the north!
    Nina

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you kindly sunshine. I do not know what I wrote, but thank you. I as well have bipolar and anxiety (I guess that last part’s a duh statement). It always passes. I’m well enough now. At least not disoriented, that was weird, and out of nowhere. Anyway, have a beautiful day!

      Liked by 2 people

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