*note: this was written a couple weeks ago
It’s hard sometimes. I get tired of my bipolar, I’m tired of my anxiety. I get tired of fighting so hard to keep my life turned right side up and to not fuck it up again. There are days when I feel well, where I just want to cut shit short, because I’m tired. There’s not a current matter of suicidal thoughts because of depression or anything else, just, sometimes… They creep in, unwanted but pervasive, and just stick. It’s tiring just to think about keeping this up for 40, 50, 60 or more years.
I started thinking about this when I had to up my meds, because they aren’t working as well as they have been. I’ve been breaking down more. More panic attacks, more mood swings. The moods aren’t bad enough to be debilitating, but the panic attacks sure as hell are. I had to skip out on the phones at work for 40 minutes the other day, because I lost it. I panicked… and I don’t even know why.
It scares me. It doesn’t just wear me out, but it scares me. I don’t want to go back to where I was. I don’t want to go back to not being able to leave the house. I don’t want to go back to leaving my family in the dust. I don’t want to go back to obsessing about suicide. I don’t want to be researching suicide methods impulsively and with zero control. I don’t want to feel like cutting myself anymore. I don’t want to blow up at people.
Upping my meds has scared me. I’ve cried over it, and the thought of going back to before the meds gets me to a point where I shiver all over. I’m finally successful. I’m finally getting into school. I can finally hold a job, I’m finally sort of a decent parent and I’m scared all of that is going to get pulled out from underneath me because my fucking brain is all screwy. I just want to function like everyone else.
I don’t want to have to take meds for the rest of my life, but I’m so scared that they will stop working. I’m scared, and I’m tired. Emotionally and physically. Today is a day that I feel like stopping, just cut shit short and be done with it…
…but I know myself better then that. Life is absolutely beautiful. I love it. I love talking to other people, helping other people, seeing all the animals and plants and mountains and oceans and everything. This life, this planet, this momentary speck of existence is absolutely amazing.
But today, I am tired.
I hope you have a beautiful day sunshines.