anxiety · life · mental illness · parenting

How do things go so far south so fast?

I was fine 2 hours ago. Then…

I hate having full control over another person’s life. It seriously bothers me that I’m supposed to take care of these small beings and teach them right from wrong. I’m responsible for their food, their water, their cleanliness, their self esteem and so many other aspects of their life. It gets lesser over time, but it will never go away.

I’m not cut out to be a parent. My anxiety is too bad. My problems are too bad. I’m such a bitch so often. I yell too much and cuddle too little. I don’t understand kids, and have never wanted my own.

I want to run away. Why can’t they go to someone else? Why would it be this horrible thing to give them to someone who wants to parent, who can parent. Someone who understands kids and can instill good values in them. I tell the kids one thing and do another. I preach patience and love and respect, and yet…

I have no patience for the things kids do. Love is not yelling, love is not avoidance. I don’t show respect, I don’t treat them like little humans, I treat them like a burden. It’s a sad reality for them. The problem is, how do I not treat them like a burden…

When often that’s how they feel to me?

I want to cry but the tears won’t come. They hide in the back of my mind, strangling my thoughts.

I want to cut.

For the first time in years I just want to tear my fucking arms apart. I can’t think. The words are hard to come by. I don’t know what’s happening or why. I want to disappear, run away. Not in a manic way, but just go. Forsake everything that is here and just be by myself.

I feel venomous.

Every time I open my mouth I inject more poison into the minds of those around me.

There’s this visceral need to push people away. To say or do what I need to do to get them to hate me.

Why? Why, of all people in the world, do I have children? When there are so many other people in the world who would do anything to have them, it’s me that ends up with them. How fucked up is that?

I don’t even know what to think right now. I’m frustrated, I’m just…

I’m wearing bright red lip stick today. It’s quite fitting, I mean, after all…

The villains always wear it, right?

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “How do things go so far south so fast?

    1. I’m okay this morning for the most part. Still disoriented and floaty, but not as…. Gone. I explained as best I could to R what the deal was last night (he, luckily, does not live with mental illness) an I think he gets it a little bit better. I’m going to try to write the explanation I have him about what happens when my mind breaks like this.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s