Where I’ve been and where I am

I just receive a beautiful comment from concertinaqueer, one of my lovely sunshines (yes, you guys are my sunshines, not my readers. You all bring so many smiles to my face, thank you ^.^)

Anyway, she commented on my most recent post “Shame” saying “I’m sorry it’s a hard time right now, but I hope it gets better for you very soon! Thinking good thoughts for a miracle for you and your family!”

That statement really go me to thinking about how I see my life differently then perhaps you guys do, so I thought I would delve into it a little bit.

Yeah, I have a hard time, and yeah, I’m still more broke than a tree that’s been through a wood chipper, but, if I believed in miracles, I’d say I’ve probably had a few, because…

I am at absolutely the best, most financially and mentally stable point in my life that I have ever been in.

To me, the problems, the things I don’t have, aren’t a huge thing. Where I am at now is such an amazing step up from where the rest of my adult life has been.

It wasn’t until this house that I’ve ever lived on my own, out of family’s houses, and not been afraid every single month on whether I can make rent, because I can. Our money is stretched tight, sure, and we’ve gotten into some jams, but we have never had to worry about making rent. We’ve had our utilities turned off for a little bit a couple of times, but to me, that’s like having to worry about a paper cut (probably from the now processed, wood chipped tree) instead of constantly having someone try to chop my damn arm off, it stings, but it’s no big deal.

We’ve been in this house for 1 1/2 years, and never once had to worry that our rent wasn’t going to get paid, that we weren’t going to have a place to live next month.

My life is better. It’s a lot better. I spent almost 6 years on and off the streets. During that time, I stopped counting how many places I stayed when I got into the 30s. I have medical insurance, I have a full time job. I have disability benefits through my job, I have life insurance through my job. I’ve rarely had the first two, and never had the last two.

I’m adulting like a mother fucker you guys, and it’s amazing to me that I am where I am.

So things are better. They can improve, but I don’t know that the sentiment of I hope they get better works, because they are better. As far as I’m concerned, I went from living 8 mile style to getting all ritzy up in here like I’m in Bel Air.

Concertina, this is not by any means to discount your comment, and I’m grateful for the sentiments, but it did make me realize that there’s so much of my story missing, and I hope to continue to share it, and open it up.

I’ve come to love laying it all out in just the few short months this blog has been around. It’s a beautiful thing, and every comment I get about how I’ve helped people understand, or helped people feel better, or anything where I’m thanked for what I’ve said… Any time I’ve made a positive impact on someone’s life, it’s so incredibly beautiful, and I’m grateful for that chance, and thankful that I can do that for you.

So sunshines, I will continue to bare my soul, and I hope you continue to enjoy reading.

I love you fellow humans. take gentle care of yourself, and have a beautiful day! ^.^


6 thoughts on “Where I’ve been and where I am

  1. First off, please don’t think I’m blog stalking you. I’m reading up on things I missed and you have such interesting topics, and I keep reading and commenting on old posts. So yes, sorta stalking, sorta not.

    Secondly, I was going to comment on the shame article, but I think I’ll just condense it here. It’s getting late and I should really be sleeping soon. 🙂

    I came from a middle class background growing up, while my husband came from a very poor one. Even now, even though we are generally able to cover our bills and mortgage, he doesn’t ask for a thing. I took stock of his clothes the other day, as I tend to do because I’m the one who buys EVERYTHING around here, and discovered that he has holes in every pair of pants he owns. Not even kidding, the one pair of jeans that didn’t have massive holes in the knees, he somehow blew out the crotch while getting into the car after picking the kids up from school.

    He never asks for a thing. Ever. And we had a conversation about it, and he shrugged and told me, “You know, I know you stress out about bills and christmas and stuff, but sometimes I just sit back and can’t believe that this is how life is, right now.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “We just went to the grocery store. At the checkout line, I grabbed a soda and a candy bar from the display. When I was a kid, we didn’t do that, because sometimes we didn’t have enough for the adults to eat.” And then he told me about how he and his siblings would eat in the kitchen while his parents would retire to the living room, so the kids didn’t know that sometimes, the adults didn’t eat at all. (nevermind that they would still go to the bar on the weekend)

    I’ve never been through that and it really changed the way I look at things. I’ve been married for over a decade, and I have taken for granted the fact that I keep our heads more-or-less above water, even when things are tight. My husband’s family stood on the knife’s edge between poverty and life on the street, sometimes because of intervention from strangers.

    My home is the place where people go when they have nowhere else to turn. Even though I bought my house seven years ago, we have only had about 3 of those years where there was no one living on our couch for one reason or another.

    When it comes to charity, it is hard to accept a hand up. But my mantra, both to myself and to anyone I help in life, is this: “We’ve all been there before. We all know how it is. And if we haven’t been there yet, chances are we will be there someday.”

    Stay strong, lady. And check these two sites out:

    refashionista.net (I love, love, love this blog, because I’m a thrift store regular and also try to be all crafty. Seriously, check it out.)

    Modestneeds.org (Its a place where private individuals help others out, who may make too much to qualify for federal aid programs but need a short term assist.)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, thank you for stalking my page, and you definitely aren’t the only one that does it all in one take lol
      I’ve managed to have both experiences, though, my experience of actually having plenty was when I was a kid. From 14 on, I haven’t really had anything. My mom skipped out on meals too. I’ve had to do it as well, it just kind of becomes a fact of life. I mean, currently, we live off about $650/mo for food for 7 people. It’s not even a matter of asking for a hand up, so much as, I’ve been having to have that hand up for the last 13 years, and it never seems to change.
      I try not to ask for things because I don’t want to be a bother. I don’t want other people to have to buy all of my shit for me again and again. *shrugs* Thank you for your post, and thank you for helping people out when you can. You’re pretty spiffy sunshine ^.^ Talk to you later, take care!


  2. Awesome, Ivy!

    I’m probably adulting better than I ever have before, but it still feels like I have sooo far to go. Thanks for the incidental reminder that I have, in fact, come pretty far already, and everything not being perfectly perfect does not erase that ^.^

    Also, adult coloring books are awesome. (that sentence has the word adult in it, that means it’s on topic, right? ‘^.^)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Adulting like a motherfucker”– heck yeah! 🙂 What a wonderful, positive, getting-where-you-want-to-be post! 🙂 I was homeless once too… it’s a long, hard crawl back on top, and I had so much luck and help and blessings along the way. There are many things you say that resonate with me, and I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

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