I’m getting better about being alone, but what does that mean? Well, it means that I can be by myself without starting to get super anxious and twitchy and paranoid for about an hour now, compared to the few minutes that it has been a good portion of my adult life.
This is an issue in the first place, but it’s compounded by another, contradictory fact… I do not want people around all the time, and the times I don’t want people around, I really don’t want people around. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be talked to, I don’t even want to be looked at, but please, please, just stay around the house, because I don’t want to be alone. I really don’t want to be truly alone…
I don’t know what to do about it. I get confused when I’m alone, I get scared more easily than normal, because I can’t understand my own feelings. I’m mad at myself for being afraid, and I get annoyed that I want people around when I really don’t. I feel childish, and it turns into this vicious cycle that spirals down into this paranoid concern that I’m never going to have anyone around again. The person that just left me alone is going to die some horrible death and I’ll never see them again. I’m just certain of it.
So far, that hasn’t happened, which is good, but I really want to figure out how to find it acceptable to be alone with myself. I don’t like basing myself off other people. I need the alone time so bad, and I feel like it would help me be able to keep my cool longer than I do now, because I would get a moment to just chill.
Until then… leave me alone, don’t go.
Have a beautiful day sunshines.