Things have been…. rough lately. Not necessarily depressed or can’t get out of the pit rough, but there have a been a lot of things going on. We lost our van, and we are having to hinge on the help and donations of others, which I’m grateful for, but is stressful and uncomfortable to me anyway, and there’s all these little things that just seem to be picking away at me. I mean, things are really good right now overall, they really are. I’ve had my job for over a year, I seem to have a chance at another job that pays over 50% better. The tax season is coming up, and we are likely going to be able to move in the next couple of months so we aren’t driving 120+ miles a day. I’m starting school in 1 1/2 weeks, the kids are back in school, my music is going well, the blog is kick ass, I’ve got spiffy new people in my life. I mean, overall, things are really good, and yet…
I’m kind of scared about the idea that I might have to end up in the psych ward again. It’s not just a random fear either. I’ve been finding myself more and more often having thoughts drifting toward self harm and suicidal thoughts. For the most part they’ve been after thoughts, which I realize isn’t a good thing, but doesn’t necessarily concern me off the bat.
But it’s been getting more prominent lately, and it’s spooking me a little bit. There’s a couple of times over the last couple of days where it’s really come to the forefront of my mind, both active and passive. Where it’s been just a very blasé, “you know, it would be simpler”, then life goes on. Then there’s also the active thoughts, the, “you know, suicide really could be a decent choice” type thoughts, and I don’t really understand where they are coming from. They’re mostly just out of the blue.
I really don’t understand them, and that makes it worse. I mean, I’m happy right now. I’m really, truly happy. Between the job, the stability, school, moving soon, R, K, the friends I’ve met at work, the music I’ve been working on recently, the new job prospect, A is in gifted and talented, B doing exceptional this year in school, C and D have even been able to learn, understand and retain a few things from school, which is astounding in and of itself, E is potty trained, and learning to talk better and better each day. R has done so much for the house (it looks fantastic, the garage went from no walking space to nearly empty, holy shit!), things at the house are good. I’m doing well, my family is doing well, my friends are doing well… So many things are going right, I’ve got such a good support system, and I’m happy about so many things, so what is going on?
Then, I come into the fear of, if this does need to happen, it can’t.
I mean, I wouldn’t lose my job if I needed the space, or needed to go to a hospital, I’d be put on medical leave, but if I were to be put on medical leave for a week or two, then that would be enough to make it so we couldn’t pay our bills or our rent. It would be enough to knock us out of the game and possibly lose the housing that we have. Having a mental break, needing to be back in the hospital… Even if it did come to that, I couldn’t afford it. I’m finding myself very quickly being squished between a rock and a hard place, and it’s not helping. I’m thinking of things that are making me wondering if I’m not going to have to seek some professional help in the near future, and yet, I can’t think about the possible professional help, because to take care of myself like that could very likely mean that we lose our roof, and essentially everything we’ve worked so damn hard to keep.
Something’s going wrong, and I don’t know how wrong it’s going to go though. I hope it’s just a moment. I hope it’s not an episode, but I honestly don’t know. I’m constantly in new territory since I’ve gotten on meds. This is the first time in my life that I’ve functioned from a stable starting point. I don’t know what going into depression or mania feels like, I just know what being there is like. I’ve never had stability as a base point to jump off of (or fall off of, as that may be the better example)
To top it all off, I am most certainly wary of talking to my counselor about it, because if it got to the point where what I say could count me as a risk to myself and I had to go in involuntarily, well, that would put me in the same boat. So, I can’t risk that either.
I’m feeling stuck, and that’s not good.
Stuck = scary.
Stuck = bad.
Stuck = times when I make really shitty decisions.
I have this mystical idea and hope in my head that I will never have to deal with another episode.
I’m bipolar though, and it’s bad, who am I kidding? It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. I really hope it’s not happening this soon though. If it does, how do I deal with it without losing everything? How do I not deal with it without losing myself? Am I over inflating my feelings, or is this really cause for concern?
Things have been fuzzy lately, they’ve been… off.
I’m so happy but…
I feel something lurking, and I’m afraid it’s going to bite really hard.
Thank you for reading sunshines, have a beautiful day.