life · trans

Barren…

I’ve been looking through Facebook tonight (surprise), and I’ve seen a lot of posts pertaining to pregnancy.

It hurts right now. I’m barren, because I’m trans. I never have had, and never will have, any chance of ever bearing a child within me. I was not able to carry my children. Yes… I have children, and yes, they’re pretty spiffy but…

I didn’t want children when I was younger, and one of the big reasons for it was because I couldn’t carry them. I couldn’t protect them.

I couldn’t do what I so deeply and desperately wanted to.

I couldn’t do what felt right. What felt like I should have been able to do.

I couldn’t create children in the way it was supposed to happen.

I wish I could explain to people how much if fucking hurts sometimes.

I wish I could explain to people that sometimes, it’s so hard to handle that I get this idea in my head just to tear my whole god damn insides out.
I wish I could explain how I’ve screamed at and cried because of and cursed my body time, and time, and desperate fucking time again.
I wish I could explain how fucked up it feels.
I wish I could explain that sometimes… sometimes…
Sometimes I hate people for telling me they are pregnant, that sometimes I seethe just from seeing someone pregnant.

I wish that when I told people I so badly wanted to bear my children, that there was ever a response other than “you don’t want that kind of pain.”

I will never be pregnant.

I will never bear a child.

I will never have a period.

I will never get my childhood as it should have been.

There are so many things that I will never, ever have that should have been and it hurts so bad, but the worst of the pain is that I could never carry my children within me.

I
Will
Never
Be
Right…

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9 thoughts on “Barren…

  1. I realize I’m a bit late to the party. I get the feeling that a lot will continue to change very quickly. You mentioned support networks for yourself, Ivy, and I strongly believe that such things will be more widespread in less than 10 years. Communication and community-building happens much faster these days—for example, I NEVER thought I’d find others with whom to heal from being in a box (to quote one famous authoress). But holy crap, a few internet clicks later and I’m pouring out my drunken story to Eleanor on the phone.

    Good things are happening and will continue to happen fast!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you sunshine. Usually I can deal with it, but last night just hit me so hard. I think it was seeing like 20 posts about pregnancy in the span of… I don’t know, less than an hour. Add that into the mix of tired and anxiety ridden and well…
      It’s alright though, and I’m okay today. ^.^

      Like

  2. *very big hugs* This reminds me of women with infertility problems who are looked down on in the Quiverfull movement since they cannot build a sheath of arrows as is (supposedly) ordained of God. They often express similar grief. I’m so sorry. :S

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It’s so incredibly difficult. What makes it even harder is that I can’t join any groups for others in my situation because they are generally less than accepting of trans people, and can’t wrap their head around the idea that I’m in the same boat mentally as they are. So I mostly just keep it to myself. My family doesn’t even get it.

      Like

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