I’ve been looking through Facebook tonight (surprise), and I’ve seen a lot of posts pertaining to pregnancy.
It hurts right now. I’m barren, because I’m trans. I never have had, and never will have, any chance of ever bearing a child within me. I was not able to carry my children. Yes… I have children, and yes, they’re pretty spiffy but…
I didn’t want children when I was younger, and one of the big reasons for it was because I couldn’t carry them. I couldn’t protect them.
I couldn’t do what I so deeply and desperately wanted to.
I couldn’t do what felt right. What felt like I should have been able to do.
I couldn’t create children in the way it was supposed to happen.
I wish I could explain to people how much if fucking hurts sometimes.
I wish I could explain to people that sometimes, it’s so hard to handle that I get this idea in my head just to tear my whole god damn insides out.
I wish I could explain how I’ve screamed at and cried because of and cursed my body time, and time, and desperate fucking time again.
I wish I could explain how fucked up it feels.
I wish I could explain that sometimes… sometimes…
Sometimes I hate people for telling me they are pregnant, that sometimes I seethe just from seeing someone pregnant.
I wish that when I told people I so badly wanted to bear my children, that there was ever a response other than “you don’t want that kind of pain.”
I will never be pregnant.
I will never bear a child.
I will never have a period.
I will never get my childhood as it should have been.
There are so many things that I will never, ever have that should have been and it hurts so bad, but the worst of the pain is that I could never carry my children within me.