When it overwhelms

I feel like such a horrible person. I hurt so much and I can’t stop crying.

It’s B’s (youngest daughter) birthday. She opened presents.

I could stay for that, but it got worse. The world around me…

So quickly it became scary. Why? How? Why does this happen? I lost it in a panic attack. Hid under the bed as though it were my childhood blanket. I felt so small, so vulnerable. My children and husband terrifying. Touch terrifying. I want no one close.

I can’t give hugs. I can not get close, I can not be near anyone…

And I leave B crying herself to sleep, on her birthday no less, because my poor baby can’t understand that it’s not her.

She can’t understand that mommy is sick. That mommy will always be sick. She can’t understand she did nothing wrong. She can’t understand that mommy’s sickness makes her unable to touch people. She can’t fathom anything but that it must be her.

She can’t understand why I won’t touch her. Why I won’t do our normal bedtime routine. She can’t understand it, and I feel like the worst person on the face of the planet.

I’m leaving my baby to cry herself to sleep because I’m fucked up in the head and can’t work with it.

I am so horrible.

That poor girl deserves so much better…


6 thoughts on “When it overwhelms

  1. Talk to her, she may be young but she will eventually understand that you are doing the best that you can and giving all the love as possible. Im sorry this happened to you. Take care

    Liked by 3 people

      1. How old is she.. actually it really doesnt matter the age because she is still young. It took me well after 18 to figure shit out and realize that things arent my fault and life. I can understand it being hard, but thats all you can do now, reinforce your love.

        Liked by 1 person

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