I feel like such a horrible person. I hurt so much and I can’t stop crying.
It’s B’s (youngest daughter) birthday. She opened presents.
I could stay for that, but it got worse. The world around me…
So quickly it became scary. Why? How? Why does this happen? I lost it in a panic attack. Hid under the bed as though it were my childhood blanket. I felt so small, so vulnerable. My children and husband terrifying. Touch terrifying. I want no one close.
I can’t give hugs. I can not get close, I can not be near anyone…
And I leave B crying herself to sleep, on her birthday no less, because my poor baby can’t understand that it’s not her.
She can’t understand that mommy is sick. That mommy will always be sick. She can’t understand she did nothing wrong. She can’t understand that mommy’s sickness makes her unable to touch people. She can’t fathom anything but that it must be her.
She can’t understand why I won’t touch her. Why I won’t do our normal bedtime routine. She can’t understand it, and I feel like the worst person on the face of the planet.
I’m leaving my baby to cry herself to sleep because I’m fucked up in the head and can’t work with it.
I am so horrible.
That poor girl deserves so much better…