life · love · relationships · sex

Picking and choosing, why my relationship is how it is

There are so many times where people have had to make a choice, do I be with this person, or this person? I love them both, but I must choose one. Well…

Doesn’t the fact that these people truly love more than one person say something about the “one true love” illusion? I would venture to say that most people have had to make that choice at one point or another. I have before.

It’s so sad to see situations like these. The person making the choice hurts, and the person getting rejected hurts. It’s a hidden poison of monogamy that people don’t talk about.

Why can a person not be able to forge beautiful relationships with all of the people they love? Why must we demand of each other that we keep ourselves chained to the person of our choosing? I can not understand why we must shame each other for having or wanting more than one relationship.

It’s not like we don’t do this anyway. We have all sorts of distinct, emotionally invested relationships. Friends that you can share your deepest secrets with, tell them things you wouldn’t tell anyone else. Things you wouldn’t tell your partner. You have an intimate relationship with them. You get something from them that you can not get from your partner.

We have friends that we value for their intellectual capacity. Their ability to have conversation like no other. We value their ability for this amazing mind sex, so to speak, and it’s not looked upon negatively.

We constantly have relationships that are distinct and separate from our partners, and that are just as full of love, need and reciprocation, and that is acceptable, but if you dare want to have another sexually intimate relationship gaining and giving that “special kind of love” that should supposedly be reserved only for one partner, hopefully for life, then it becomes unacceptable, but it is absolutely no different.

We have the capacity to love, truly and deeply love, more than one person. In fact, it is likely to happen multiple times in your life, but we require ourselves to only follow one of those paths.

It hurts my heart to see so many people unfulfilled with their lives. Every time I hear of someone cheating, every relationship breakup of relationships filled with love, but missing…. something. I love to see people happy, and I love to see people in love, it is beautiful, it is wonderful, and it’s so fantastically pukeworthy.

I think that many “PDAs” are just stunning, I love them, they warm my heart, much like pizza in an oven (because pizza is THAT good). It makes me happy to see people love, to see them enjoying themselves, and to be happy with who they are with. So, why, in the name of love, would we take that away from people?

If I were in a monogomous relationship with R, I would never be able to allow myself to love another woman, which is very sad. I would never be able to pursue any other potential love that may happen. It isn’t that I don’t love R, I love that man so fucking much it’s sickening, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

couple.png

Good Lord you two, get a room

I don’t want to take away the chance of finding that love with other people though, nor do I want to steal that chance for him. There’s no need to choose, I am very happy for him with the interests he persues. I’d happily welcome another relationship of his into our household, whether I am also dating them or not, and I know he feels the same way.

I love seeing people in love. I would be just as happy for my husband to be in a totally pukeworthy relationship with another individual as I am to see my friends, my family, even complete strangers, in one. I welcome someone else who can love him and provide for him as I do.

We’ve got one life, and much love. There’s no reason to waste all this potential beautiful, wonderful love.

It is not a negative thing that you can not fullfill everything for your partner, it’s just a reality. As a personal example I’ve used before, I like women, and I would like to be in a relationship with a woman. There are things that I need that I can not get in a relationship with a man. R likes men, there are things that he can only get in a relationship with other men. We can not fulfill these things for each other, and that is absolutely okay.

Jealousy is toxic. Jealousy comes from a place of ownership, but you do not own your partner, they are not yours. The are fully autonomous individuals with their own thoughts, wants and needs, and that needs to be respected.

I wake up each morning, and deliberately decide if my life with R is the right thing for me. I do not expect our relationship to continue as always, nor do I expect it to end tomorrow. I simply live each day that I get with R, and try to appreciate it to it’s fullest. There may be a day I wake up and realize that it is not in my best interest to be with him anymore. There may be a day that he wakes up and realizes that it is not in his best interest to be with me anymore. That day will be soul crushing, and it will be sad, but it is acceptable. We do not own each other, and we can not force each other to stay in any relationship, including ours, because we want the other to be there.

Since I do not own him, I can not act like it. I can not, with a clear conscious, chain him to a monogamous relationship with me. I can not force him to choose a singular relationship, when his love, as mine and so many others, is too large to be fulfilled by one person. It makes me smile to think that there may be someone out there that makes him as happy as I do, if not even more. Our love is far too much to give it all to just one person, and I would love to see him make someone else as happy as he makes me, and if he can make them even happier then that, well, all the better. It would be wonderful to see another human that happy.

Thank you for reading, and have a beautiful day sunshine.

 

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14 thoughts on “Picking and choosing, why my relationship is how it is

  1. I loved this. I have a few friends who are poly, and hearing their perspective is always so interesting to me. I totally get how it works, and honestly I have noticed that a lot of poly couples are more comfortable and have better boundaries than a lot of monogamous couples. It’s so true that need fulfillment can’t come from just one person.
    Overall though my favorite part of this was about just living each day to the fullest. That is a big struggle for me, and it’s not so much a possession thing (my boyfriend has a LOT of, and MOSTLY female friends, and he has great boundaries, so I don’t give a damn) but it’s more a fear thing. I get afraid of losing. I always need to be reminded to take each day as it comes. Thank you for that reminder. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Why must we demand of each other that we keep ourselves chained to the person of our choosing?” Yup.

    I often feel like this is a problem especially in heterosexual relationships. You can be great friends with a guy, but once he starts dating another girl, it’s like OH I CAN’T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE OR SHE WILL BE JEALOUS. It’s unfortunate and it’s happened to me several times.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, that one has always drove me nuts. This idea that men and women can’t be friends, because obviously they are only supposed to date is terribly outdated and ridiculous

      Like

    2. For me it involves the het wife (now ex-wife) feeling that she must be all things to me, and she’s failed if she’s not all things. I do not want her to be all things, just wifely things. She never liked you, Elle, and it was her own broken soul that was speaking, not the real person I know she could be.

      Jealousy is the fear of being replaced. In my mind, it’s a healthy fear, because it means you deeply value your relationship. You are careful in how you cherish and nourish it. But yeah, a jealousy that manifests as ownership, i.e., I have sovereignty over YOU because ______, that seems very unhealthy. It’s okay to feel fear, and hurt, and to resolve it with one’s partner. But let’s not return to the absence of personal sovereignty that described so many of us who escaped from evangelical fundamentalism.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Hey, if you are happy, then damn well get on with your bad self ^.~ It doesn’t matter the relationship style. Generally, if I’m talking about monogamy, I’m talking of it in a whole. Not any one single relationship ^.^

          Like

          1. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. Sadder, too. Net effect has been very positive, though! I have more great friends than is remotely reasonable or fair. A support network as strong and fun as a bouncy castle.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. So many valid points! I think its true, obviously if that is how you want to live your life. Its not for everyone but it makes so much sense. Love comes in different forms,including different people. Really enjoyed this post doll!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you sunshine ^.^
      It’s kind of strange for me to think about that it wasn’t that long ago that my relationship with R was monogamous. It just didn’t feel right though and, well, here we are now lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Welcome love! Haha i could imagine, looking back and seeing the differences and how far life has taken you. Amazing huh? Lol i wish you the happiest of relationships and life😊

        Liked by 1 person

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