A silent panic

Have you ever panicked silently? Where you can’t make sense of your thoughts, and you keep zoning out? I keep doing that. I just space out and don’t quite know what’s going on. One moment I’m washing my hands, the next I’m there but… I’m not. I don’t know how to explain it. I can still see, hear, smell, touch and taste everything but it’s all… Distant?

I just don’t feel like I’m actually here. Like I have all my senses but I’m actually experiencing everything through a tv show about a tv show. There’s this barrier that I just can not explain.

I just sit there and stare. I can hear them ask me things but I don’t respond.

Can’t respond? 

I don’t know. I don’t have the capacity to answer… I just sit there, lost in my own thoughts.

Ivy is spacing out again, but it’s cool, she just does that. 

So nobody worries too much…

Well, R does. He knows me better than other people though.

I was reading about people’s experiences with panic attacks the other day, and I found again and again people talking about how they would just space out. Things became incoherent. That they just weren’t there.

I’m used to panic attacks being something that sets me over the edge and freaking out, but perhaps this, this thing that has happened for years and gotten worse after V…

Perhaps I’m so lost in my panic… That I can’t even tell? 

I just wish it would stop. This is family time. This is Christmas… But it’s so chaotic. There’s 13 people here, 5 of which are small, excited kids exploding over their awesome gifts and family time.

Why is this happening? Why are they getting worse? I’ve been on edge so often for the past month or two.

I’m scared, confused and anxiety filled because I’ve been so scared, confused and anxiety filled. It’s this terrible snowball effect that I’m trying to keep under wraps.

I work my way through every day and for the most part, they are quite good, but I worry…

What if I can’t go outside again…

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One thought on “A silent panic

  1. I once drove with someone who had the spacing out panic. It was kinda scary because she didn’t see stop lights anymore and we nearly got t-boned. :S It also made me very sad for her, though. After this happened several times she had me drive the car.

    Liked by 1 person

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