Pretty and paranoid

I’m finding very quickly that I’m going to have to relearn thinking of myself in a positive way. 

I think I looked damn good today, like, fuck yeah, I looked pretty!

But that thought is quickly tempered with “I can’t think like that. Thinking like that means I’m manic. Oh shit I am going manic. Oh no I’m going to fuck everything up.”

And then the positive feelings get sucked out like I had the wind knocked out of me. 

I want to allow myself to feel pretty… To feel successful. I’m going to have to completely relearn the idea of thinking positively about myself, because the only thing I have to associate it with is so incredibly bad. 

So I guess I will start with tonight and unapologetically say, I looked damn good today. 

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