Sex shouldn’t have to be silent, but…

I have thought about it a lot, but it’s been stuck in my head bad since the other night when R and I were having… alone time, and I really let loose for the first time ever. I was so caught up in the moment, and in us, and in the ecstasy of it all, and just, good god I’ve never been that loud before and it was so fucking wonderful!!!! Unfortunately R had to shush me, so as the children (or at least the oldest) don’t die of embarrassment. But what can I say? The sex with him is fantastic.

But I tend to shame myself for letting loose.

What I mean is this: There’s this general expectation in the cis world that women are allowed to be loud in bed, but not men. Since I was raised male, it was kind of stuck into my head that noise = bad/stupid/ridiculous/nobody wants to sleep with you if you do that shit. I kind of sort of made noise one time with someone I was with, and that sure as (not) fuck the way to go. I learned real quick after that, and it’s always kind of stuck with me.

But that’s just not me.

For one, I’m not a guy, not that it should matter.
Two, I don’t fucking want to be quiet in bed! I’ve found that, with myself, things are so much more wonderful for me, everything feels better, I get so much more lost in the moment and in just being with my partner if I don’t have to keep a close eye on if I’m making any noise or not. Dammit, I want to let loose and truly enjoy myself, because that’s what it is, if I don’t keep track of it, it just kind of happens, I have to actively work to be quiet, and that fucking sucks, cause that means I’m totally not in the moment I’m spending the whole time worrying about what the other person is thinking if I accidentally make any sounds or… just…

I’m mostly comfortable with R at this point, but I still tend to tone it down a bit. I mean, a portion of that is not wanting to scar the kids for life, but part of it is a deep and burning shame. I feel like, even though I transitioned, since I have a penis, and that’s the part tied with “noise not acceptable” that I seem stupid or ridiculous or… I don’t even know, and it really sucks.


I don’t want to feel shame in the bedroom. As our relationship has progressed more, in terms of polyamory, and the prospect of sleeping with other people has come up more in conversation and as an actual reality, the more I’ve thought about this. It’s something that I can’t seem to get over really.

After I transitioned, I was with two different women, then I was with R. I was quiet with both women.

But I am not a silent sex partner by nature. Not by any means, nor do I want to be, but I have a hard time really just letting things happen how they happen, and just letting loose, because of the shame and stigma I feel, based on the parts that I have.

I don’t think that preconception should be there anyway, regardless of what gender(s) you define yourself as, or what genitals you have. It’s a fucking stupid societal structure, and I’m sure it fucks with more people’s heads than just mine.

I’m glad that R doesn’t mind. Of course the anxiety part of my mind says you’ve never actually asked him, he’s probably just putting up with that shit, so… yeah, that doesn’t help.

I just don’t really know what to think about it. I’ve never read or heard anyone talk about “loudness in bed” before. As such, I feel alone in my musings. I’m sure I’m not, but none-the-less…

I don’t know, ever since I got my first taste of actually being able to be loud in bed, I’ve known I could never go back. I’m naturally quite loud, but, I would really like it if I did not feel the hot blush of shame when I do [insert noise here]. I don’t want to feel dumb because of it anymore. I’m so tired of beating myself up for being ridiculous, because I know I’m not. But I can’t seem to push it out of my mind, so every time, either during or after, I feel a blush of shame and ridiculousness creep over me, and steal the pure ecstasy of the moment.


11 thoughts on “Sex shouldn’t have to be silent, but…

  1. Hi! I’m finally getting around to reading your blog!! Sorry it took so long. I love this, and I can relate to it, but in the opposite way. I am mostly quiet, leading the other person to have to ask if everything is ok or if I’m enjoying myself. I try to be mindfully verbal- saying, “Oh, I love when you do that”, or, ” That feels really good!”, etc. I sometimes get anxious about not communicating this stuff enough, which also contributes to not being in the moment as authentically as possible. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello sunshine! And thank you so much for reading. Please don’t apologize, everyone has their own life. You do what you do when you do it. It’s of no consequence or offense to me, it’s your life dear!
      That sucks about your situation. Yeah, these preconceived notions of what certain people should and should not be doing in bed is really crappy. We should be able to rock whatever we rock without people getting weird. I’ve found that conversations about things before or after sex helps ease anxiety and uncertainty on both sides.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I find it unfortunate, the taboo placed on sex. Honestly, I never considered the issue from the male end of the spectrum, but now that you mention it, I can see what you mean. Men really do seem to be quieter all around, and I never actually thought of it as a societal expectation.

    For what it’s worth, I think a lot of people like to hear their partner in bed. It’s a primal thing that serves to stoke the fires, so to speak. And if you aren’t sure if he’s into it, just ask. Also, maybe let him know it’s cool with you if he wants to make some noise, too.

    I’m very frank when it comes to most subjects, and sex is no exception. There’s no reason to feel shame for enjoying yourself. We need to get away from the idea that it’s a bad thing, or that certain people should do certain things during sex, but not others.

    We, as people, don’t fit into neat little boxes. We shouldn’t expect our sex lives to, either.

    Thanks for yet another thing to consider. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yeah, when you accidentally figure out things down there when you’re 21… hahaha… and then have to hide it very, very well…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I live with the boyfriends parents! lol and lets say on more than one occasion i got extra loud, then had to proceed upstairs and have a conversation! died. ” did they hear” ” they def heard” For years I actually was the silent one, not that i wanted to be, its just that there are always people home. Ive grown to say fuck it,I just wont be screaming my head off, yet. I can totally see your point of view,and I believe the same will pass. You seem to have a great thing going on with R and will just keep getting more comfortable . Til then” Girl, let go!” =)

    Liked by 2 people

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