I have thought about it a lot, but it’s been stuck in my head bad since the other night when R and I were having… alone time, and I really let loose for the first time ever. I was so caught up in the moment, and in us, and in the ecstasy of it all, and just, good god I’ve never been that loud before and it was so fucking wonderful!!!! Unfortunately R had to shush me, so as the children (or at least the oldest) don’t die of embarrassment. But what can I say? The sex with him is fantastic.
But I tend to shame myself for letting loose.
What I mean is this: There’s this general expectation in the cis world that women are allowed to be loud in bed, but not men. Since I was raised male, it was kind of stuck into my head that noise = bad/stupid/ridiculous/nobody wants to sleep with you if you do that shit. I kind of sort of made noise one time with someone I was with, and that sure as (not) fuck the way to go. I learned real quick after that, and it’s always kind of stuck with me.
But that’s just not me.
For one, I’m not a guy, not that it should matter.
Two, I don’t fucking want to be quiet in bed! I’ve found that, with myself, things are so much more wonderful for me, everything feels better, I get so much more lost in the moment and in just being with my partner if I don’t have to keep a close eye on if I’m making any noise or not. Dammit, I want to let loose and truly enjoy myself, because that’s what it is, if I don’t keep track of it, it just kind of happens, I have to actively work to be quiet, and that fucking sucks, cause that means I’m totally not in the moment I’m spending the whole time worrying about what the other person is thinking if I accidentally make any sounds or… just…
I’m mostly comfortable with R at this point, but I still tend to tone it down a bit. I mean, a portion of that is not wanting to scar the kids for life, but part of it is a deep and burning shame. I feel like, even though I transitioned, since I have a penis, and that’s the part tied with “noise not acceptable” that I seem stupid or ridiculous or… I don’t even know, and it really sucks.
I don’t want to feel shame in the bedroom. As our relationship has progressed more, in terms of polyamory, and the prospect of sleeping with other people has come up more in conversation and as an actual reality, the more I’ve thought about this. It’s something that I can’t seem to get over really.
After I transitioned, I was with two different women, then I was with R. I was quiet with both women.
But I am not a silent sex partner by nature. Not by any means, nor do I want to be, but I have a hard time really just letting things happen how they happen, and just letting loose, because of the shame and stigma I feel, based on the parts that I have.
I don’t think that preconception should be there anyway, regardless of what gender(s) you define yourself as, or what genitals you have. It’s a fucking stupid societal structure, and I’m sure it fucks with more people’s heads than just mine.
I’m glad that R doesn’t mind. Of course the anxiety part of my mind says you’ve never actually asked him, he’s probably just putting up with that shit, so… yeah, that doesn’t help.
I just don’t really know what to think about it. I’ve never read or heard anyone talk about “loudness in bed” before. As such, I feel alone in my musings. I’m sure I’m not, but none-the-less…
I don’t know, ever since I got my first taste of actually being able to be loud in bed, I’ve known I could never go back. I’m naturally quite loud, but, I would really like it if I did not feel the hot blush of shame when I do [insert noise here]. I don’t want to feel dumb because of it anymore. I’m so tired of beating myself up for being ridiculous, because I know I’m not. But I can’t seem to push it out of my mind, so every time, either during or after, I feel a blush of shame and ridiculousness creep over me, and steal the pure ecstasy of the moment.