Mommy, why are you hiding in the bathroom?

Kids are very touchy little creatures. They need to hug you and pat you and poke you and kiss you and crawl on you. That’s fine and dandy, and I get why, but it makes it really hard to deal with that when you have a hard time with touch.

With my anxiety comes lots of different concerns, fears and inability to handle certain things a lot of the time. Two of them are touch I didn’t initiate and loud and fast chaos.

Guess what children do all the time? It doesn’t take anything for children to quickly becoming screaming banshees racing up and down hallways, doors -open shut open shut open shut, hugs given often and freely, and the incessant background noise of “MOM! He hit me.” “MOM! She won’t stop chewing on the legos.”
“MOM! She won’t let me put my clothes in the laundry.”
“MOM! He’s trying to chew on the dogs face again.” MOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOM!!!!!

It’s just a little crazy. I have an incredibly hard time with all of this. I can’t have chaos like that in the house or I flip my shit in a heartbeat, then I go from wonderful mommy to Super Bitch, you know you’re screwed when she says “I’m done with this crap!”

It’s not fun, and I don’t feel good about it, but it’s something that happens, and so we have the rule of “if you’re gonna go crazy, do it outside.” It’s quite inside, and I only hear the occasional scream, either because they’re having so much fun, or because one of them decided to beat the other one with a giant plastic car, you know, the kind you can sit in. It’s hard to tell the difference.

So that helps mitigate the chaos some, which is nice, but there’s still the issue of touching. It bothers me a lot. The poor kids can’t figure out why either. I’ve tried explaining it, but it just kind of explodes their little minds. I mean, who wouldn’t want piles and piles of cuddles and hugs and kisses?

DEAR GOD HOW CAN THIS BE A THING?!

And the thing is, I understand why they think like that, but…

When you’ve got 5 kids, it’s like having a bunch of little monkies doped up on speed, 20 lbs of sugar each and enough caffeine to choke a whale… And that’s just the everyday. Like The Doctor said: “They’re fast, they’re incredibly fast. Don’t blink.” I’m pretty sure he was talking about kids, right? But if you dare to give them things to make them hyper…

Why did you feed them after midnight?!

The Gremlins come out.

The little frustrating, hyper, loud, love hungry Gremlins that drive their mommy nuts and…

Can’t get the fulfillment of physical contact they need from their Mommy, because of her mental illness, and as much as their contact bothers me, it breaks my heart that I can’t give them all the physical attention, or just attention in general, that they need from me.

Thank you for reading, and have a beautiful day sunshines.

 

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10 thoughts on “Mommy, why are you hiding in the bathroom?

  1. At least you have consistency. I went from total love to get away from me and leave me alone! I was a terrible mom!! I always told my kids I loved them and how much in my manic state where I’m calling off school for a family party and we’d go to the park. Then I’d be depressed and couldn’t leave my bedroom…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t really have the consistency, I’m very much the same way. I will be lovey at times, but a lot of the time I can’t have them near me, even if I want them there. My two oldest understand much better now, but my three youngest are still totally confused, and don’t understand, no matter how I explain it.
      I’ve done the back and forth of doing a lot of awesome things, then not being seen nor heard for days on end.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh yeah I do that. Right now I am not answering my door so I hope no one knocks.

        My kids still don’t understand me I don’t think. I’m so far away from them right now and I worry all the time!! I am so afraid my daughter’s abusive boyfriend is going to kill her and I feel so helpless. I pray a lot and that does help. She’s having episodes she doesn’t understand now and I’m worried about that. She has and has always had outrage. She just goes off! I’m so afraid she’s going to go off on boyfriend and provoke him and he’ll kill her. I’m so afraid of losing her children to the system because I don’t have transportation to get there and do the court thing.

        I was frantic with worry. I had to stop and listen to a motivational speaker about worry and fear.

        Like

        1. Real… I am so sorry for your situation. It’s so hard to have others in a bad situation and feeling helped to change it. I hope she sees wha is going on and is able to get out. Please try to take care of yourself nicely amongst the current dark.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I… can relate to this on a molecular level.

    I’ve always been a very hand’s off person. I dislike being touched when I don’t initiate it, and there are times where all I want is for my tribe to just go have fun elsewhere. Luckily, I work outside the home and that removes me from the chaos a bit.

    By the way, I love the nerd references.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. My husband is a stay at home dad for now, and I am honestly convinced that he has the patience of a saint. Or he’s crazy. Probably both.

        Even when I am home, if it gets to be too much I will hide out in my room and surf the net on my phone until I feel fit to interact with people again. I don’t know how stay at home parents do it, because I’d be climbing the walls.

        Liked by 1 person

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