abuse · life

Why do I torture myself?

I looked her up this morning. She has been burning in my mind recently. The questions, the wondering. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she near where I live… Is she far away? What does she look like now? Is she okay? Is she happy?

Why do I care? Why the fuck do I care? I escaped nearly 5 years ago. She is someone to run from, not to check on. The things that she did to me… I hid, for years, to keep me and my kids safe from her… Why do I do this? What do I want to know.

I ran away, but she still has a hold… It’s better than it was, but it’s still there.

I don’t dream about her every night now. Her touch doesn’t crawl on my skin anymore. I still get scared when I see someone that looks kind of like her. I still have a bunch of little ticks from that relationship. She destroyed me, she destroyed my world. Why do I worry about her, why do I care?

This whole thing is still confusing, she still has some sort of a grasp on me, and she hasn’t been around for a long time. I have a whole entire life now. I haven’t heard anything for… February will be 5 years… Yet, I still find myself drawn to my abuser. I’m still drawn to her.

She’s mind blowingly beautiful. Hypnotic even. There are some days, like today, that I still feel drawn to her. It scares me. My body, my mind, my all of me knows so much better than this. I shouldn’t ever be looking up anything having to do with her again.

She’s not around anymore, I’m better. Stable. In a loving relationship. So…

Why

does

she

still

control

me?

I can honestly say I’m scared today you guys. I don’t like it when I feel sympathetic to her. I don’t like it when I long for her. And yet… Here I am doing exactly that.

Please sunshines, take good care of yourself today, and have a beautiful day.

 

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11 thoughts on “Why do I torture myself?

  1. I get this. Although I watch for someone because they could still pose a threat to me and my friends, although it’s been nearly a year and the threats are fading.

    I’ve gotten nightmares about her coming back and I’m so irresistibly drawn to her that she’s got my clothes off before I know it and it’s terrifying because I don’t have control.

    It’s so sad and terrible when people become narcissists.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to the need to look up someone who hurt you- I find myself doing it when I’m particularly low. But they were never my partner, and sometimes I feel like because of that, my hurt is fake.

    It’s hard to heal from hurt like yours, from having someone you loved and trusted hurt you. All the best to you, and I hope one day she’s not on your mind anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, whoever they were, they were another person in your life. You do t have to have a relationship to have real hurt. Don’t kick yourself while you are down love. It gets rasier, and maybe one day she will no longer be in my head, but for now, she lingers in the back of my mind, and all the tics and fears that happen because of it.

      Like

  3. It’s tough. I can definitely relate, and I really wish I knew why I felt some of the things I do for an ex of mine, that I do.
    I remember actually looking him up just a couple of months ago on facebook, just to see what he was doing with his life.

    The one thing I do know however, is that I’m a wonderful person (or so they tell me) that definitely deserved way better. The same can absolutely be said of you too.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sometimes letting go of the past and moving on a the most difficult thing in the world to do. People often say the time will heal the wounds, I think that is bullshit to be honest. I have no family that give a damn about me, no parents, no close friends and nobody to talk to most of the time but I have the Lord and that’s who gets me through this life. I hope you find peace somehow. Have a merry Xmas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very kindly. It is bullshit. Scars fade but don’t disappear. I am glad that you have found something that helps you through your life, that’s wonderful.
      I’m mostly okay now (as a whole), more often than not, I do not think of her, but when things like today happen it hits hard, and it lingers far too long. I will get there, and this is just a hiccup in my overall wellness. It’s just a dark day amongst many good ones.
      Again, thank you. Have a beautiful day sunshine.

      Like

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