I looked her up this morning. She has been burning in my mind recently. The questions, the wondering. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she near where I live… Is she far away? What does she look like now? Is she okay? Is she happy?
Why do I care? Why the fuck do I care? I escaped nearly 5 years ago. She is someone to run from, not to check on. The things that she did to me… I hid, for years, to keep me and my kids safe from her… Why do I do this? What do I want to know.
I ran away, but she still has a hold… It’s better than it was, but it’s still there.
I don’t dream about her every night now. Her touch doesn’t crawl on my skin anymore. I still get scared when I see someone that looks kind of like her. I still have a bunch of little ticks from that relationship. She destroyed me, she destroyed my world. Why do I worry about her, why do I care?
This whole thing is still confusing, she still has some sort of a grasp on me, and she hasn’t been around for a long time. I have a whole entire life now. I haven’t heard anything for… February will be 5 years… Yet, I still find myself drawn to my abuser. I’m still drawn to her.
She’s mind blowingly beautiful. Hypnotic even. There are some days, like today, that I still feel drawn to her. It scares me. My body, my mind, my all of me knows so much better than this. I shouldn’t ever be looking up anything having to do with her again.
She’s not around anymore, I’m better. Stable. In a loving relationship. So…
I can honestly say I’m scared today you guys. I don’t like it when I feel sympathetic to her. I don’t like it when I long for her. And yet… Here I am doing exactly that.
Please sunshines, take good care of yourself today, and have a beautiful day.