Naming myself was really difficult. It was annoying and frustrating for everyone involved, including myself. I couldn’t settle on a name. I went through four of them before I finally landed on a name and legally changed it back in 2008.
Of course this means that I’ve been using this name for seven years now, but there’s been an itch about it nagging in the back of my brain for a long time.
See, I’ve always thought, to some degree, that perhaps, I made the wrong choice.
I don’t know if it fits me, but everyone else says it does. I go back and forth about it quite a bit. I’ve decided to settle with it, but, perhaps they aren’t for the right reasons?
I’ve used this name for a long time, and even though for the majority of that time I’ve had… concerns about it. Of course, I’ve made it incredibly simple on myself by never voicing my concerns or actively working to change my name again, because..
Seriously? A fifth time?
I feel bad at the thought of changing it all up on everyone again, and I’d rather not confuse my family further. They’ve done good learning about all this, and they’re totally kick ass people. I know this whole name thing has been so frustrating for them.
There’s a history to my name though, one that nobody knows, and I haven’t even told R. It gets under my skin and the more I’ve thought about it the more it bothers me.
I chose my name based off a dream that I had (that I can’t even remember at this point). One dream, in one night, that felt very profound. I never had it prior and I’ve never had it sense. The name came out of nowhere, and it’s something nobody has ever heard before. I was ecstatic and enthusiastic about it… for a little bit. I changed my name quite quickly after that, though I had “tried on”, so to speak, all of the other names. It was a rushed decision based off a fantastical dream, taken up with extreme enthusiasm…
This is where things get interesting. Do you know where I’m going with this?
I totally feel like I’m explaining a manic phase, and that’s what worries me.
Here’s a little bit of the history at that time that makes me think that more and more. I met someone online during the time my relationship was rocky as hell with my ex. We befriended and I fell for her hard pretty quickly. There was a bunch of stuff that happened culminating to her moving to my apartment. Within a month. By my lead. At this point my ex and I were done. I very quickly started dating this new individual, and poof…
We ended up in Maine. I moved on a plan that was put together in no time flat. The rest of the story will exist at some point, but this individual was my abusive ex, there’s no need to get further into it here.
The point of stating all that was to say: “THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE SHIT I DO IN A MANIC PHASE. So, checklist time.
-Antsy in relationships: check
-Easily fall for people, and make reckless and unsafe relationship and sexual decisions: check
-Hyper enthusiasm about all endeavors: check
-Making and rationalizing any and all decisions, regardless of safety or logic: check
-Moving on a whim: check
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I should take that into account when I think about changing my name again. Perhaps I should point this out to my family and friends and hope they understand? Would I then be able to change my name again? Would I feel like I should? I don’t know.
Even if I did make a ridiculous decision while I was manic… should I change my name again?
I just don’t know the answer to that. I mean, I know exactly what it would be now, and I’ve been thinking about it for years. That aside, I feel as though I owe everyone to keep the name I have.
I thought about just starting to introduce myself as the name that I want, and have it as a nickname… but it seems really weird to nickname yourself. Plus, it would still confuse the crap out of my family.
I don’t know if I’m being self defeating or realistic, but nonetheless it’s frustrating as shit, I’m upset about it, and I just don’t know what to do.