bipolar · life · trans

Naming one’s self… and a personal regret

Naming myself was really difficult. It was annoying and frustrating for everyone involved, including myself. I couldn’t settle on a name. I went through four of them before I finally landed on a name and legally changed it back in 2008.

Of course this means that I’ve been using this name for seven years now, but there’s been an itch about it nagging in the back of my brain for a long time.

See, I’ve always thought, to some degree, that perhaps, I made the wrong choice.

I don’t know if it fits me, but everyone else says it does. I go back and forth about it quite a bit. I’ve decided to settle with it, but, perhaps they aren’t for the right reasons?

I’ve used this name for a long time, and even though for the majority of that time I’ve had… concerns about it. Of course, I’ve made it incredibly simple on myself by never voicing my concerns or actively working to change my name again, because..

Seriously? A fifth time?

I feel bad at the thought of changing it all up on everyone again, and I’d rather not confuse my family further. They’ve done good learning about all this, and they’re totally kick ass people. I know this whole name thing has been so frustrating for them.

There’s a history to my name though, one that nobody knows, and I haven’t even told R. It gets under my skin and the more I’ve thought about it the more it bothers me.

I chose my name based off a dream that I had (that I can’t even remember at this point). One dream, in one night, that felt very profound. I never had it prior and I’ve never had it sense. The name came out of nowhere, and it’s something nobody has ever heard before. I was ecstatic and enthusiastic about it… for a little bit. I changed my name quite quickly after that, though I had “tried on”, so to speak, all of the other names. It was a rushed decision based off a fantastical dream, taken up with extreme enthusiasm…

This is where things get interesting. Do you know where I’m going with this?

I totally feel like I’m explaining a manic phase, and that’s what worries me.

Here’s a little bit of the history at that time that makes me think that more and more. I met someone online during the time my relationship was rocky as hell with my ex. We befriended and I fell for her hard pretty quickly. There was a bunch of stuff that happened culminating to her moving to my apartment. Within a month. By my lead. At this point my ex and I were done. I very quickly started dating this new individual, and poof…

We ended up in Maine. I moved on a plan that was put together in no time flat. The rest of the story will exist at some point, but this individual was my abusive ex, there’s no need to get further into it here.

The point of stating all that was to say: “THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE SHIT I DO IN A MANIC PHASE. So, checklist time.

-Antsy in relationships: check
-Easily fall for people, and make reckless and unsafe relationship and sexual decisions: check
-Hyper enthusiasm about all endeavors: check
-Making and rationalizing any and all decisions, regardless of safety or logic: check
-Moving on a whim: check

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I should take that into account when I think about changing my name again. Perhaps I should point this out to my family and friends and hope they understand? Would I then be able to change my name again? Would I feel like I should? I don’t know.

Even if I did make a ridiculous decision while I was manic… should I change my name again?

I just don’t know the answer to that. I mean, I know exactly what it would be now, and I’ve been thinking about it for years. That aside, I feel as though I owe everyone to keep the name I have.

I thought about just starting to introduce myself as the name that I want, and have it as a nickname… but it seems really weird to nickname yourself. Plus, it would still confuse the crap out of my family.

I don’t know if I’m being self defeating or realistic, but nonetheless it’s frustrating as shit, I’m upset about it, and I just don’t know what to do.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Naming one’s self… and a personal regret

    1. Wow! I do really like that. I never really hear of changing names outside of the trans world (except sometimes in Wicca), so that was even more interesting to read! Thank you very much for the link sunshine ^.^

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I know I’m a newer friend, but as a FRIEND, I say… what you name yourself is so important. I think if you’re uncomfortable with your name, change it. You want to be able to call yourself something that reminds you of who you truly are. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Laurie… Thank you so much sunshine. You have no idea how much this means. My name reminds me of mania and depression. Abuse and sadness. My name is not that of someone who was strong or okay. My name I’ve wanted for years is the opposite of all of that.

      Like

  2. I think I understand how difficult it would be to change one’s name multiple times. It goes against society’s expectations. It’s easier for me to say this now that I’m not so young, but here goes: it is your life and as your own leader you have choice. Do what you think and what you feel is right for you. If that means changing your name when you feel it doesn’t suit you anymore, do it. I know others struggle with that, and I feel for you there. For what it is worth, you have my support. Hope this helps!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so, so much. It gives me more to think about, and alleviates my fears about it some. I talked to R at length about it last night, and he’s fully supportive as well (I would hope so right?) lol
      At the end of the day, it’s only my family that I’m worried about. My friends will get it if I explain it. I think my family will be harder to get to understand.

      Like

  3. I’m sorry, that sounds really tough.
    I went through the same thing with my own name for a while.
    Half the reason I chose it was personal, and the other half was just to make the change easier on my family as it is weirdly similar to my old name. It used to bother me for the longest time that I might have chosen a name just to please others.
    I ended up taking a step back and really thinking about it. It was my name, life is long, and in a year no one would remember what it used to be anyways, wouldn’t it be worth my comfort/happiness?

    In the end, I stuck with it, but only because thinking that way helped me get back to the reason why I love my name.

    So in the end, with something so personal, I think that decision has to be solely about you for once.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this. I talked with R about it for hours last night. He says he could agree that it was probably a manic decision. He said if I wanted to change my name I should, and gave me some ideas to make it easier on my family. My friends would likely understand pretty easily if I explained the circumstances.

      Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s