*I don’t know who made this. If anyone knows who made it, so I can attribute it correctly, please let me know. Thank you.
When I saw this, I couldn’t help but write a little post about it. I survived a very abusive relationship that lasted 2 years and left me completely broken. It’s haunted me for the last almost 5 years now.
This isn’t a sad post though.
I wanted to actually celebrate my escape.
I was heavily abused. You are not your abuse.
I was hit, bit, held down, cut off from everyone, raped, everything was taken from me. You are not what they did to you.
I returned home broken to the point of not being able to care for myself. I was lost. You are not your trauma.
So… How did I manage to escape?
She had control over everything in my life. She could bend my life, my will, my entire perception of reality, any way she wanted to, any time she wanted to, and she took full advantage of it so… Instead of starting at the beginning, let’s start where that part of the story ends.
You are the cleverness that survived.
It took me a long time to see what was going on. After R chased her out of the state (he’s that awesome) I went and picked her up on my way to another state. Throughout the time we had been together the myriad of unwanted sexual contact ended up in conception of my twins, C and D. Where the cleverness kicked in was about 4 months before I left. I concocted a plan. I knew that, even though I really did not want to take care of my children that came from rape (I hate saying this, but it’s so damn hard…) I knew that I needed to protect them from her. The things she put me through, I couldn’t imagine letting a child go through that. So… How did I finally become disillusioned?
She tried to use the kids against me.
See, I had already had A and B at that point, but I had been cut off from them. She managed to get me out of state by myself, without them. This was not all on her, I knew something was wrong, and I didn’t want them around her, but she was a deciding factor in bringing them or not anyway. So…
They were left behind for a year.
I started talking about wanting to go back home, and she said I should stay there with her and the twins, and we could be a family together. She was very intensely insistent on it. Her mistake was when she told me “Well, you have two kids already (C and D) that you can barely take care of, why would you add two more (A and B)?”
The curtain in front of my eyes didn’t open with that statement. It shattered. I was pissed. She stole me from my babies. She secluded me from my whole fucking family and took me away from A and B, and then she dared to have the gall to try to keep me away from them permanently and use C and D as leverage against me?!
I was done at that point, and I had to plan. I had to plan very, very carefully. She was smart, I had to be careful. Play into her every whim while being the one to control what was going on.
You are the courage that escaped.
The anger subsided over time, as it tends to do, but I kept hold of it. I stoked the flames periodically by talking to myself, which isn’t easy when you have someone around you every waking moment you aren’t at school.
I managed to get her to agree to let me go home with the twins, and when she was done with school, she would meet me up there. It took a hell of a lot of convincing, but she finally agreed. I had to keep this up for months. It was no small feat, and taxing as hell, but I had to do it for the kids. All four of them. She wanted to take over the lives of A and B, and root out their other mom. So, I kept on. I drained myself of every last drop of energy and cunning and time and simple ability to exist, and I kept going.
Finally, the plan fell in place.
My family came to pick me up and she rode with me. To get an idea of how well liked she was, I had to continually convince my brother not to drop her ass off at the nearest corner and book it. I must admit, it was tempting, but it would have ruined the plan. We got home. This is when I first moved in with R. She stayed for a little while, then made her way back to where we had been living.
Plan section A, complete.
Plan section B, initiate.
You are the power that hid and protected a tiny spark of your life.
I could barely get up to shower myself. R took care of the kids and his wife who was severally mentally ill, doing all of this while working 60+ hours per week. I couldn’t have made it through without him.
Even though I was having such a hard time with the bare bones basics of life, I knew the twins were still in danger. The honest truth is I didn’t give a shit if I was in danger or not, I just wanted it all to end one way or another.
I got a restraining order. It was hell recounting everything that had happened in detail. I wanted to make sure that I got that restraining order.
It got denied.
The accounts of physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, harassment and stalking apparently wasn’t enough to get a restraining order. I felt like my world crashed around me again. There was no way this was happening. I had to do it again. I had to get this restraining order. It was vitally important.
So I wrote down nothing more than the absolute most current phone stalking and harassment…
AND I GOT THE RESTRAINING ORDER!
There was at least some sort of barrier between her and A and B. I couldn’t get it for C and D though, because she was technically a parent. I couldn’t get full custody, because my state doesn’t really believe in a child having only one parent, under almost any circumstances. In fact, the lawyers I talked to told me that you could be an ax murderer, and as long as you didn’t ax murder your kid, then the courts weren’t going to take your rights away. It did not matter what amount or kind of abuse I received, since she didn’t do that to them, insofar as I could prove, then she would have automatic partial custody if I took the case to court.
So I hid. To simply and quickly tie up a messy story, I finally ended up with R, and we got married 3 years later. When we got married, he adopted the twins. We are now a family on paper as well, and she can’t ever, ever get hold of them.
I’m safe. They are safe. It took 5 years of running, but we’re safe.
You will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love
and with it you will burn all their lies to ash.