When You Ask How Can I Help (The Things I Can Not Say)

You don’t have to understand
I promise it’s alright
I don’t want you to truly get what I go through
Just sit here by my side

I don’t want to talk right now
I just need you here
It hurts so bad, and I can’t explain
Please, just wipe away my tears

The darkness has gotten the better of me
The terrible woman is talking again
I can’t get her out of my head, trust I’ve tried
But she’s blocking out all of my thoughts again

She makes it so hard to want to exist
“Like you’ll ever do anything you cunt. You stupid bitch.”
She tells me these terrible things, screaming them in my head
She’s one of the many reasons right now that, really I wish to be dead

I can’t hear your kind words over her acidic voice
It’s so repetative, overbearing and loud
Perhaps she’s right. I’m a bitch, a cunt, a whore
Nothing I’ve ever done is worth being proud

Help me remember that I’m more than a mistake
Please remind me over again that I have some sort of worth
I won’t believe you I’m really sorry
But if I don’t have you, then I only have her

My anxiety hits
I can’t even pinpoint
The reason for this
Please, I’m scared

Don’t tell me they’re only people
It simply won’t help me calm down
I wish I knew what to tell you to help
Just please, I beg you, just get me out of the crowd

I know it’s frustrating I can’t leave again
This has been every day this week
You’re welcome to go on your own, I’m so sorry
I wish people didn’t make me freeze

I’m scared of everything
And mad at myself
I don’t want to be here
Stuck and afraid, my life endeavors shelved

You don’t have to understand
I promise it’s alright
I don’t want you to truly get what I go through
Just sit here by my side

I’m manic again, but it’s something I won’t know
To you, at first, it’ll look like I’ve pulled myself out of this hole
I hope that you’ve learned to see past the facade
Because things go terribly wrong when my complex becomes a god

I know I seem happy and on top of the world
But the problems are starting to show
I’ve realized no one needs me
With no plans in hand, I set out on the road

I’m leaving you behind again
I have this totally thought out
I’ll pick a random point on the map
And take a long and winding route

I’m in another state and I’m scared
No one I know is around
What did I do and how did I get here
How did I get to this town

I start to panic, I’m just so confused
I left my family, children, husband, grandparents, mom
How many times will they say “Really, you did this again?”
They’re going to leave me, too many times I’ve done them wrong.

The backlash of manias hurt so bad
I don’t mean to fuck up your lives
I get in this headspace I can not explain
I know it’s hard to stay by my side

My children, my husband, I love you so much
My grandparents, my mom, I’m so sorry
Though this happens often, you’re still by my side
I wish I could promise it won’t happen again, but I don’t want to end up lying

So please…

You don’t have to understand
I promise it’s alright
I don’t want you to truly get what I go through
Just sit here by my side

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3 thoughts on “When You Ask How Can I Help (The Things I Can Not Say)

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