So I’ve been trying to find a partner for a while. I’ve got a core relationship, with my husband R, who is wonderful, but we also have an open relationship and well… Honestly, I definitely miss female affection. It’s not easy finding someone who is inclined to be in a lesbian, poly situation with a trans woman. The first hurdle is finding another girl that likes girls. My social life mostly consists of, well… being at work. So, it’s not necessarily the best place to try picking people up, you know? If I do manage to find a woman interested in other women, then they also have to be okay with a non-monogamous situation. After that hurdle, they also have be okay with being with a pre-op trans woman. So I’m trying to find a cis woman who is interested in woman, poly relationships and penis, and understands how to, you know, do that whole respect thing. The general response?
Now, that’s not always the case, and I have a lovely friend, K, who ended up showing me this. We started talking when she asked about my tattoos. At some point our conversation got to world views on relationships, or something of the likes, and I told her that my relationship was poly, and while I’m generally a blunt person, I have a hard time going up to someone and being all like “Hey, I like you. You’re pretty.” Well, at the end of the day, I mustered up the courage to go back to middle school, and gave her a note that said “Hey, I like you. You’re pretty.” Then proceeded to turn bright red, have a mini heart attack, and stew in the knowledge that I just totally fucked a possible friendship.
Well, I was wrong about that. Life moved on for a while without a definitive reply while she thought the whole thing over. Over the course of the next month or so we had been building a friendship. Then she replied, I was surprised. K is a sweetheart, and we talk quite often. She’s moved elsewhere at this point, so there’s no actually getting to hang out at this point, but I’m certainly glad for the ongoing friendship, and honestly, our relationship dynamic isn’t a whole lot different then that of any other friends, but…
There were a couple major things that I’ve learned from this.
1. Being trans doesn’t mean that you are as screwed in the relationship world (especially alternative relationships) as it feels like.
2. Having successful relationships like that boost your self confidence.
I guess a little bit about the guidelines R and I have would be good to know. The main one is that currently neither of us are looking for any solid outside relationship, so right now, it’s a matter of having/finding someone that you want to kick it with that would like to squish naughty bits with you, but not getting caught up in the intimate relationship dynamics of dating. Second, everyone must know each other, which I think is cool. R and K know each other, we’ve all hung out, it’s a beautiful thing.
It’s still difficult though, in general. I mean, relationships of any kind are a pain in the ass to start, and takes work to upkeep, but it’s a whole entire new dynamic when you are looking for a sexually involved relationship of any sort and you are trans.
It’s hard to tell how much of that excess difficulty can be attributed to being trans and how much can be attributed to fear of other people knowing your trans. Though, dating definitely becomes more dangerous when your trans.
You have to be up front with people if you haven’t had surgery, and it should happen in a public area with a decent crowd, it’s unsafe to do anything otherwise. Which means coming out to every. single. potential. partner. And that sucks. So there are definitely downsides to having a poly relationship and really wanting to pursue that.
But dammit, I do miss another woman’s touch.