I’m a lesbian… or, I was. Or well I am. I might be? I’m not sure anymore. Why?
Well, the answer is complicated and is going to ruffle some feathers.
I’ve considered myself a lesbian since about the time I transitioned. I’m a girl who likes girls, easy enough right? Well… it’s not that simple.
So, let’s talk about sex, gender, orientation and sexy time.
In the trans community, I know that we work hard to get people to understand that sex and gender are not the same thing. The fight for identity autonomy is frustrating to say the least. I think it should be taken a step further though.
I absolutely think there is a difference between sexual orientation and gender orientation. If sex and gender are different, then how can one’s orientation be singularly cohesive?
After starting to date a really good friend of mine, i started thinking about this. My friend is male and trans. Well, 4 years down the line and a title step up from dating to married, I think I’m finally settling into the idea that there are both sex and gender orientations. My gender orientation isn’t as rigid as I thought. My overall preference is still female, but I’m also finding that there are many, many pretty people out there of all genders that gather more than platonic interest. When it comes to my sex orientation though, I’m completely vaginasexual, and if that’s not a word, it totally should be.
This is not to say that I reduce anyone down to parts, but I like sex. A lot.
Possibly way too much, and I view sexuality as… well… who you want to sex up or not. I don’t think that we should continue combining gender and sex when we think of the people we like. At some point, unless you’re strictly celibate, sex is going to happen. I also assume that you are going to want to sleep with someone who’s gender and sex align with your personal preferences. I’m the same way, and I’m not comfy or content doing the table-top tango (hey, my house, I don’t have to use my bed if I don’t want to.) if my partner in porking’s sex parts = penis, regardless of gender.
There are people with penises that I’ve flirted with, but we’re not going to end up having any sex. Kissing? Sure, kissing is fun, and should be shared widely. I’m pretty sure that kissing is good for you and might contain the fountain of youth and a parade of rainbows, unicorns and a small fuzzy bunny. We may even fool around to some extent. Me and the person. Not the bunny. Would we sleep together though? No, neither the bunny or the person, and when that comes to a long term relationship, that’s not good for them or me. I’m just simply not inclined to sex up a boner regardless of if it’s a woman’s or a man’s.
I really think we need to talk more about sexuality, and not just in the typical boxes of lesbian, pan, gay, asexual, bi, insert-others-here. There’s a reality of sexuality that’s avoided. The sexy bits involved and the fact that they don’t always match gender. I was one of those trans women who advocated blind sexual interest in trans women the same as in cis women. That argument is horribly missing the fact that sexuality usually has something to do with sex bits. Taking off the trans label. If someone is looking to date a woman, and they like both penises and vaginas, then there is a greater chance that they will date a woman regardless of parts. If someone is looking to date a woman and only likes vaginas, they are a whole lot less likely to date any woman with a penis, that’s just the facts of it. That doesn’t mean they are being discriminatory. The same goes the other way. If someone wants to date a man and only likes penis, the likelyhood of them dating a transman lowers significantly. If they like both or are more inclined toward vaginas, then that makes it more likely they won’t care if they guy they date is trans or cis.
Also, my fellow trans people, listen up! How many times has someone dared say they dig people who are trans particularly, and we reel back, ready for the worst? Sure, there are some creepers, just like with every other part of the population and every other person of every other damn orientation, it’s not just us. Besides the inherent problem of labeling everyone who is into something adult and consensual, there’s another issue that most of us don’t realize.
We make fetishes out of and degrade ourselves when we can only think of people who are into us as shady, untrustworthy people who are either creepers or full of shit.
Why can’t someone happen to like women and penises? Why can’t someone dig men, but also vaginas? Why is it that if they aren’t the straight laced gender tie and at least, if not only, dig cisgender alignments, they are automatically creepers?
Think about it. Someone says they like you, and some of that reason is because your trans, you dismiss them as a “tranny chaser” because there’s no way that digging trans people can be anything other than a fetish, which also means that you can only be seen as a fetish. You are screwing yourself over, and it’s sad. Please, we need to talk more about sexuality and we need to allow people to love us for us because of us. Everyone else is allowed to do it, why don’t we let people in?
On the flip side of the coin, there’s a lot of cis people that need to understand that their sex and gender match isn’t the only one. There are women with vaginas and women with penises. There are men with penises and men with vaginas. It happens. Trans people exist whether you can wrap your head around it or not. The best thing you can do is learn and try to understand, or at least be supportive, even if you don’t get it. I’m not demanding to go out right now and try dating a trans person even though this whole post is about sex. All I’m saying is be a decent person. If you are comfortable on your own basis of sexual and gender orientation to date a trans person by all means, I highly recommend it, because we’re awesome and you’re missing out. You’ll see a whole new world perspective outside the bedroom, and quite possibly inside too.^.~
Ahem… Excuse me.
Everyone cis and trans have things to offer that you haven’t had before. A new move, a new feel, anything, and you won’t know unless you find out. So go out and explore the world of sexy fun time!
Talk about it. Sound off in the comments below, just don’t be assholes please. Talk to a friend. Parents, talk to your kids about it as you help support them in their orientation. Dig deeper than I’m a girl who likes girls or a boy who likes boys or a girl who likes boys… You get it. I hope.
A few questions to consider:
What is your gender preference?
What is your sex preference?
Is gender or sex more important to your sexuality or do they carry the same weight?
If parts are of the utmost importance, does it matter what gender goes with it?
If gender is the most important, does it matter what parts go with it?
What other qualms or wants do you have when choosing a mate to date?
Is sex important to you?
If it is, is it only the person’s gender that is important to you when you’re in the bedroom, or is it important to you to be dirty dancing with particular pleasure parts?